for better or worse

i got to do everything i wanted to do this weekend

and more.

i made my chili, i laid out, i read, i had phone dates, i skyped with a best friend, i cleaned/did laundry/organized, and watched two movies to boot.

this week, my goals are to:

a) try this horchata recipe (another pinterest favorite;)).

b) work out A LOT.

c) crank out some email responses.

d) clean the kitchen and bathroom.

e) find a secluded beach and work on my skimboarding.

f) call on/test drive this car i found.

***

on a completely unrelated note, last night (saturday), i was really, really discouraged.  i had an amazing day, laying out and talking to my best friend on the phone, but when night rolled around, i felt like a darkness had been pulled around me, also.

i made myself listen to the worship station on pandora in hopes that i could get myself out of the funk.  it felt like it worked momentarily, but when i sunk into bed around 11, i felt lonelier than ever.  as i lay in bed, i reached down to the shelf on my nightstand to grab my Bible.  i planned to read it, but the weakness in me felt too strong and instead, i just held it and cried until i fell asleep.

when i woke up this morning, i literally had forgotten about the night before.  i woke up feeling completely rested with the sun pouring through my curtains.  after breakfast, i logged onto facebook and the first thing i saw was this post from jefferson bethke: "For all those going to church today remember it's a place to be broken. You don't have to hide, because Jesus died in our place."

church or no church, i so needed that post.  broken is exactly how i've been feeling and i needed him to tell me that it's okay to be so.

later in the morning, as i got ready for the day, i logged onto pandora and the first song that played was this:

i've listened to this song a million times before, but i know that God knew it was exactly what i needed this morning.

and only when i made my bed around noon today, did i remember last night.  my Bible was laying neatly next to my pillow and i tried to remember how i fell asleep.  but i can't.  i don't even remember crying for that long before i was gone.  and now i'm sure that God was there, rocking me sweetly, giving me grace, even though i don't deserve it.

and i want to remember this--moments like i had today--where God carried me and whispered to me and gave me little love notes of reassurance.

i'm feeling better tonight.  not incredibly, but i have to believe this is only temporary. a chiseling, if you will, and a painful one at that.

in the above song, that part that stood out to me the most is: "for better or worse, forever we'll be."

and the distance i feel from Him feels like the "worse."  but i know in my heart, those lyrics are true.  and that, along with my Bible, is what i'll be holding onto as i fall asleep tonight.