i like lists:)sci fi book reviews

i like lists:)

every time i want to write a rambling blog post, i find myself instantly making a list. i don't know why, except that...i like lists! they make me happy.

now, on with my tuesday list...

this picture has nothing to do with this blog post,
except that it makes me happy.

--currently? i'm freshly showered. wearing ethan's shirt that comes down to my knees. make-up is still under my eyes because i don't care much about taking it off. my toenails are pink. i'm reading The Shack for about the 5th time and hoping i'll actually finish it this time around. i also keep thinking that i can't wait to get my hands back on The Hunger Games. oh yeah, and i'm drinking a vanilla steamer. (1 cup of milk, microwave for 1 minute. whisk for 30 seconds, microwave for another minute. whisk again. add vanilla and honey to taste. it's delish. my new favorite bedtime thing.)

--weeks. ethan's coming home in weeks. "practically a field op," he said, when i talked to him on saturday (for 2 and half hours:)). but "practically a field op" is right. we must've gone through a dozen of those when he was back on American soil. those weren't easy either, but we survived them. and we've survived 6 months and now we're here, on the home stretch. and it feels amazing. i was talking to my friend, viktoria, about that on the phone today.

"oh my gosh, you're so happy," she said.

"really? you can tell?" i said, trying not to smile.

"are you freaking kidding me? i can feel you beaming through the phone! you're burning my cheeks as we speak!"

so.cute. she may or may not be correct about the beaming part...but probably the first one.;)

--speaking of viktoria, i've never been one to talk on the phone to my friends every single day. but for some reason, viktoria's been different. back when i lived in sacramento, we did talk on the phone every single day. but life got in the way--marriage and friendships and desires for different things.

not anymore, though. now, i talk to her every.day. we sit on the phone together and look at cruises and bikinis and talk about pinterest and love and work and God. the honesty between us is a force to be reckoned with and we have the same weird sense of humor and i don't believe there's an ounce of judgment between us. i've never had a friend like her in my life, but i'm so thankful that a girl who started out as my co-worker turned out to be a woman who i trust with my whole self.

--i haven't been writing much lately and i miss it. there's a handful of things i've been wanting to write about: my trip home for easter, oregon, carmel for my birthday, my growth and struggles these past few weeks. but i simply haven't gotten around to it. i'm hoping to change that in the near future. life simply feels brighter when i write.

--while i have been struggling in other areas, my self-esteem is doing surprisingly well. i write about this because it's been kind of huge for me. i haven't been working out consistently and normally my self image plummets because of this. especially with ethan coming back, i normally find myself staring in the mirror, squeezing all the places i wish weren't there and wishing that he was coming home to find me looking like a drop-dead gorgeous model, instead of...well, still me.

i don't know what changed, but something did. on saturday, i had a spa day and had to fill out this questionnaire about my health, eating habits, etc. the very last question was, how do you feel about your body? and to my own surprise, i wrote, "content." and i meant it. and i still do.

my body is definitely not even close to being what i'd like it to be. my stomach is my biggest source of insecurity. i wish it was flatter, more defined. and once i start on that list, ohhhh the snowballing we could do. my arms are too flabby, my back is too wide, my legs are not toned enough. but what are you going to do? i like waffles and donuts too much and some nights, instead of working out, i'd rather lay in bed and drink my vanilla steamer while i watch the twilight movies. and the conclusion i came to is, really, the only reason i'm insecure about my body is because i fear how people will define me because of it. but i'm being honest with myself? i don't mind it at all. it's who i am. and i would, honest-to-goodness, rather be an imperfect version of myself than a perfect version of somebody else.

--this is the song i'm hooked on right now. i actually have no idea what the lyrics are about, but the tune is a little beautiful and haunting, don't you think?