i've been working on a deployment post and i can't seem to find the write words for it. hence, this blog post.
work today wasn't so bad. especially because little zeus is doing soo much better. he still has the white fungus spots on his head, but the fuzzy parts of them are all gone, and he's darting around like his normal self. little guy made my day. i hope to get a video of him tomorrow, so i can make you all fall in love with him, like i am.
after i came home from work, i made dinner and started in on my journal:
it's not a real, real journal, but it's where i've started accumulating my little comings and goings, goals, lyrics, quotes, thoughts for the day. i love working on it. it makes me happy. there's about a million and one more things i want to add in there, but still, i feel content with it.
i talked to my mom for a couple hours this evening, which was the highlight of my day. i sat in my driveway and watched the sunset, while we caught up on our weeks. it was a really good talk. i always feel like a new person after talking to her. i'm lucky to have an amazing mom like that.
on another note, people always tell you that getting ready for deployment is awful. which it is. but no one ever tells you that when you come to the close of a deployment...time moves slower than freaking molasses! now, take a minute--for me--and imagine molasses moving. i don't think it does, actually.
friday was when it hit me, i think. that deployment is almost over. and then, time put a jinx on me and decided not to move at all. if i'm going to be honest, i keep having to tell myself to breathe because i can feel my muscles getting tense with anxiety. i am ready for this chapter to be over. i told my mom that the worst part is i know they could zoom home, if they wanted to. but nooo, the Marine Corps is taking their sweet time. i'm PRAYING that this last section of time will pass by quickly and smoothly and that i will not forsake where God has me. unfortunately, right now that place is still away from ethan.
despite that, God always has a way of lifting up my heart. sometimes in little ways, sometimes in big ways. this quote was a big way for me:
"...the King was dazzled by a sense that he could never fully possess Esther. her beauty came from knowing who she was and Whose she was. she rested in the fact that no earthly being would ever enter the holy of holies--the deepest part of her heart reserved for the King of kings. she was HIS bride. He was, and always would be, her first love. she was merely a reflection of His glory, His purity and holiness." {--Queen Esther's Reflections}
someone on Facebook had taken a picture of the highlighted text in the book. and it. is. magnificent. acknowledging and embracing the fact that God created our feminine hearts to have a place where only He can enter. a part of us that only He will ever know. that's gorgeous. passionate love at it's most glorious.
i have been meditating on that quote the past 24 hours. praying that i would not put holy expectations on humans, but that, instead, i would let the one True King enter my heart. fill it, satisfy it, make it pure. it's such a beautiful thing to meditate on. and in it, i have found myself praying for ethan more freely. giving him mercy not to expect him to know my heart as the King does, as i sometimes do. he will never have my heart the way God does and that is not something to be looked down upon, but instead, to be celebrated.
after reading that text, it took me all of two minutes to pull the book up on Amazon, skim through a couple sample pages, and hit the "Buy with 1-click" button. i can't wait to get my hands on it, to see what else God has in store for me in between those pages.
that quote also inspired me to want to pray more frequently, more fervently, more honestly. not out of guilt, but because i want to offer up every part of my life. so often recently, i have been clinging desperately to the (illusion of) control over my circumstances and my life, and i find myself falling into bed exhausted from holding on so tightly. so last night, for the first time in what felt like i long time, i let go. and i prayed. and not for myself, but for the people in my life. that might not sound like much, but it felt big to me. like moving forward. like becoming a new charla.
then, when i talked to my mom tonight, she told me stories of women she has been ministering to {hurtbylove.com}. she tells these women to pray and she also prays for them--for jobs and wisdom and strength and healing. and she watches God answers these prayers.
in somewhat of an unrelated conversation, she quoted matthew 16:25: whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.
funny how God speaks to us in ways we don't expect. i'm sure my mom didn't even realize how much that hit home with me.
oh, and when i typed that verse into pinterest, this picture came up. it's one of my favorite StoryPeople quotes:
and i think it's kinda perfect:)
that's all for tonight, dear friends.<3 thanks for tuning in to the random heart thoughts of a 24-year-old girl:)
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