lessons learned in how to trust in You

so it's been a week since my last post.



i'm sorry i have not written anything additional in the last 7 days.  i have honestly not had the emotional strength or energy to write, but today, i decided it's time to break that pattern and at least write a quick update.



things down here in huntington have been pretty good.  the weather has been overcast and rainy and we even had a day full of thunder and lightning.  it's been wonderful and i hope it stays this way for a while.  it's cozy and romantic.



ethan has officially left for boot camp, as of last wednesday.  it's funny because it's been ten days since i've talked to him and still it seems surreal.  the funny this about it all is it was orchestrated in God's perfect timing...for both me and ethan.  as i would never be fully ready for him to leave, i was as ready as i could've been last week.  plus, ethan got the contract and the job that he wanted so badly.  i'm really really happy for him and i wish i could talk to him to see how excited he is to finally be on his way.



the above is part of the reason why i haven't written anything.  it's hard to talk about him, say his name, even think about him.  the first couple days it was more a heart-wrenching thing while now it's merely a dull ache that comes and goes.  it still doesn't mean that i want to talk about him or the situation because i really don't.  it'll be over soon enough and dwelling on it only brings pessimistic thoughts which i want to reject.



while last weekend was somewhat depressing being without ethan, this past week was pretty good!  i've been doing a lot of writing, mostly on my second "power of men" piece and i just started another piece called "the marketing of homosexuality."  i've realized how much i really LOVE writing and God has given me this passion to share about the things i know to be true.  it's kind of exciting!  for years, i've always envied the "thing" that i've seen so many other people have.  like playing guitar or photography or skateboarding or whatever. in high school, i felt like that was singing and leading worship for me, but that's been a few years gone.  now i'm beginning to realize that maybe i found my new thing!  i love writing and doing research and sharing my thoughts with people.  ethan would always laugh at me because we'd get on one topic and all of a sudden, i would start spewing all these thoughts and ideas in my head, and before i realized, 30 minutes had gone by and i could still keep going for another 30!  kind of embarrassing, but i am beginning to think that maybe God gave me a gift.  when i write, i learn so much about Him and sometimes when i finish, i look back and think...wow, that's way too good to be my own stuff.  so i'm just going to run full speed ahead and see what happens.  if it dies out in a month or 6 or 12...so be it.  for now, i'll just enjoy and share the things God is teaching me and has taught me.



this weekend doesn't hold any particularly special plans.  tomorrow morning i have an appointment with a personal trainer at 24 Hour Fitness to get going on using my gym membership! (no, i still haven't gone, haha.)  saturday night, i'm going to a church out in Anaheim which i'm REALLY excited about. besides that, i hope to rent some movies, do some knitting, and maybe drive down the coast a little bit.  i've been stuck mainly in huntington for the last four months and my heart is yearning for a little adventure!  or at least some new scenery for a couple hours or so. :)



two weeks from today, i will fly home to visit my family for the weekend.  i absolutely CAN'T WAIT and i'm sure i will be counting down the days until i can hug each one of them.  it's going to be glorious.  i love how being away from home has made me appreciate those i love a million times more.



and then 9 days after i get back from sacramento, i will fly out to the east coast to see ryan gasdia!!!  ryan is my good, good friend who i met in jamaica the summer of 2008.  it's funny how only one week in jamaica can create such a solid friendship, which is what we've had, especially recently.  he has encouraged me so much and checks up on me everyday to make sure i'm okay.  i'm really thankful for his friendship and i'm excited to see him!  and once again, it will be refreshing to take a breather from life down here and have a little adventure. :)



besides all that, things have been okay.  God has been teaching me a lot.  i'm at a weird place with him, sort of this in-between.  not that i don't want to be right next to him but i feel there is this barrier between us that i have been praying about for the last week.  at moments, i feel it subsides but then hours later, it goes back up again.  looking back on other situations similar as this, i was always being taught something and i am hoping that is the case now.  maybe He is teaching me that my feelings are irrelevant.  feelings are not what i hold onto to survive, but instead, truth.  so i am holding fast to His truths and hoping i will feel Him close sooner rather than later.



actually, what i just wrote brought to mind the lyrics of a nichole nordeman song:



"so grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace.

move our hearts to hear a single beat.

between alibis and enemies tonight...

or maybe not.

not today.

peace might be another world away

and if that's the case...



we'll give thanks to you

with gratitude

for lessons learned in how to trust in You,

that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

in abundance or in need.

and if you never grant us peace...



but Jesus, would you please..."



funny how that was exactly what i needed to focus on at this moment.  God ministers to me even through my own writing.  so cool :)



so that's my update for the moment (which was much longer than i intended, haha).  i feel better now that i've written and maybe this will help me get back into the swing of things.



to all my friends and family, i appreciate and love you so so much.  thank you for reading!  my writings will be posted soon :)