the power of men

good morning from a rainy huntington beach, california :)



the weather has been glorious since friday.  i've been greatly looking forward to fall since july or so, and now it finally feels like it's here!  last night, ethan and i went to The Coffee Bean to grab some white mochas.  the whole place was warm and cozy and decorated for fall.  ethan and i sat inside for an hour, drinking coffee, talking, and holding hands over the table while it sprinkled outside.  moments like those are what make me love this time of year the most.



on another note, i wanted to share my thoughts about a conversation ethan and i had this past thursday evening on the phone.



ethan was telling me that ever since we started dating, he has noticed things about men and women that he never noticed before.  today, he was telling me about how he realized how men impact women, especially using the power of their words, which is something we had talked about before.  he was at PT (physical training) that evening for the Marines and his boss was giving them a pep talk, as i guess he does every evening after their workouts.  i don't know what the context of the conversation was, but his boss made a passing comment about "Mexican bitches."  there were two Mexican girls in PT, and the rest were men.  ethan noticed that all the guys laughed, really laughed, at this comment.  ethan said his immediate reaction was to look over at the two girls.  he said they laughed, but not quite the same, and looked down at the ground following the comment.  he told me he never would've noticed that before, but he realized that what their boss said did affect them, as much as they tried not to show it.



of course, i told ethan that i don't like his boss and i don't think he is a man of character (that instance was not the only reason).  ethan said that after his boss made that comment, he immediately apologized to the two girls for saying it.  i asked him, "but what if those two girls weren't there?  do you think he would've apologized then?"  ethan got quiet and said "well, no, probably not."  and i told him, that's how you know a man is a man of character.  calling women "bitches" is inappropriate, regardless of whether they are in the room or not.



ethan then explained to me that most men are not aware of their impact on others, especially women, and that women, such as myself, who are aware of this, need to share it with the men in their lives.  he told me that more women need stand up for themselves, and they need to call men out when they're being treated badly.  while i agree with ethan that more women need to stand up for themselves, there are other variables that come into play that affect their decision to do that.



the first is that most women don't know they are worth that much.  some women don't know they are worth anything at all.



the second is, women are afraid to be "too much" and "not enough" at the same time.  to ask that you be treated like a woman might be asking "too much."



but the one that i think is the most profound is this: you, as a woman, tell a man not to treat you the way that he does.  you ask for respect.  you tell him deserve better.   i have done this.   then...the man ignores your request or never talks to you again.  this proves that once again, you are not worth it.  you are not worth the work or the effort.  you are "too much".  to find this out could nearly kill a woman.  to remain quiet and hope that one day the men in your life will realize what a treasure you are is better than to speak up and find out you really are worth nothing at all.



at this point, ethan began to get frustrated with me.  he asked me why i assume all men are bad.  why do i say so many bad things about men?  at this point, i began to get hysterical.  even in writing it, i feel sick to my stomach.  i began to sob hysterically.  "you don't understand," i told him.  "you don't understand the impact that a man has on you as a woman.  every man that you come in contact with...EVERY man...affects you."  he did not understand what i meant, so i made a list for him.



i listed the men that had opened doors for me and the places where it had happened.

the men who had protected me when i was scared.

the men who had lied to me.

the men who lacked to defend me when i needed protection.

the men who made me cry.

who talked about women as sexual objects in front of me.

the men who said they cared about me and then didn't fight for me to make it work.

men who have tried to make me insecure and jealous.

men who have cut in line in front of me at the grocery store or slammed the door in my face instead of holding it open for me. 

men who have smiled at me and said good morning.

men i have seen who carry the groceries for their wife.

men i have seen curse at their kids.

men i have seen wrap their arms around their kids.

men who have asked about how i'm doing.

men who have called me mean names.

men who have bought me food when they knew i was hungry, even though i didn't ask.

men who have run to pick me up when i slipped and fell on the floor.

men who wrapped a blanket around me when i was cold.

men who insist that women go first in line.

men who raise their arms in worship.

men who don't stand up for truth.

men who do stand up for truth, no matter what the cost.



i remember them all.  the people, the places, and even some names.  every one of those men had and has an effect on me.  on the way i view the world.  on the way i view myself.  and the sad part is i have experienced more bad moments with men than good.



i explained to him that whether or not people realize they do, everyone watches men.  i know i do.  in my department at work, i sit in a room full of men.  and i watch them.  how they respond to situations.  to people.  if they smile.  if they laugh.  if they make negative comments towards their co-workers.  how they talk on the phone to their wives.  i watch everything they do.  i can't help it.  i'm looking for good.  hoping for it.  longing for it.



i told ethan that that's why i fell for him.



one of the first nights we hung out, when we were just friends, i wasn't feeling well.  he dug through my fridge to make me something to eat while the rest of my guy friends went outside to smoke a cigarette.



my brother would point out women he saw on the street and ethan wouldn't even turn and look.



a trash bag would sit on the floor and without anyone asking, he would take it outside.



he would see i was cold and he would bring a blanket to wrap around me.



he listened to people. 



he said please and thank you.



he chose his words carefully.



he would never fail to ask me how i was doing.  he encouraged me to pursue my dreams.



the reason i fell for him was because i watched him, like i watched every other man.  only with ethan, the more i watched him, the more i wanted to see.  i saw good.  and i liked it.  i couldn't get enough of it.



i explained to ethan that while women do need to stand up for themselves with men, they shouldn't have to.



last summer, one of my friends had become somewhat abusive with me.  and this was not when we were alone; in fact, it was always with a group of our friends.  for example, one night, a bunch of us were sitting at my apartment, hanging out and talking.  i was in the kitchen making cookies for everyone, but i came out to contribute to the conversation and he responded with "shut up, no one wants to hear you speak."  this happened on several occasions, and many of my same friends (guy friends) had been there to witness these moments.  one night, it went too far and i asked him to leave my apartment.  he stared at me and instead of getting up to leave, he took a sip of his beer.  i repeated my request for him to leave and still, nothing happened.  and in the room were 4 other friends.  all guys.  not one of them moved.  not one of them said anything or backed me up in any way.  in the end, the fact that none of those men stood up for me affected me more than my friends' comments did.



now, let me tell you about a situation where the same thing happened, but with a different group of people.  instead of a group of guys, the only other people in my apartment were my brother, best friend, and this guy i was kind of seeing, tim.  my friend came at me and told me not to put in a movie i had picked because it was "stupid".  before i could even respond, tim said "hey."  i looked at him and he addressed only me.  "don't listen to him.  you can do whatever you want." 



wow.   he didn't respond in anger.  he didn't even speak to or look at my friend.  he just looked at me, reassured me, and shut the other guy up.  with two short sentences.  i felt a huge wave of relief wash over me.  i was protected.  taken care of.  i didn't have to do a thing.  it was amazing.



i told ethan that story.  and i told him that women should not have to stand up for themselves.  it's too much for us.  it's not how God designed us.  He designed it so that a woman would never be defenseless.  that is exactly the symbolism during a marriage ceremony, of a dad passing his daughter onto her husband.  she is never left out in the open.  God didn't want it that way.



unfortunately, with so many broken families today, many girls and women are left out in the open, unprotected.  we are left to take care of ourselves.  in the end, it either breaks us or makes us hard.  i have been both places and they are both miserable.



while ethan may not fully understand the position of a woman, he understands how powerful men truly are.  how their every action affects everyone around them.  like tim above.  he affected me by protecting me.  and he affected my friend by overruling his words and taking away his power.  it may have been a small moment but it felt big to me, probably much bigger than even he realized.



i felt compelled to share.  some women may not like the idea of a man having so much power over them and i understand that too.   while men are not perfect, God's design is.  and the men you choose to surround yourself with have a bigger impact on you than you may realize.



and to the men out there:  we need your good.  the world is crying out for it.



thanks for reading :)



more soon.