It is up to Him...to have us; our part consists of almost solely in letting Him grasp us.

good morning everyone :)



happy friday!  it's an early day for me but i got my cup of coffee here so i'm content. ready to start the day.



i haven't written much lately because i haven't had the emotional strength and to be honest, there hasn't been a ton going on.



i got my first letter from ethan on wednesday morning.  i read it over and over again and just cried.  he wasn't able to write much except to tell me that boot camp is the hardest thing he's ever done but that he loves every second of it and that he misses me.  it was kind of a bittersweet moment.  i was happy for the letter, but then again it is a reminder that this is only the beginning of this journey that will last 6 years.  6 years as a Marine girl?  if it's meant to be, God will have to carry me through because He knows i certainly don't have the strength to do it.



other than that, things have been good/bad/ugly, haha.  i spend most of my evenings knitting or at the gym, which is fine by me.  i actually love the gym, which is the craziest concept because i've spent all my years thinking i hated it.  i love how i feel coming out of there, sore and tired, yet refreshed.  the treadmill is surprisingly my favorite.  i love running but i've come to hate running on the streets because you have to watch out for cars, puddles, and most importantly, creepers creeping on you.  i love the treadmill at the gym because i can run forever and just stop thinking all together.  it's wonderful.



i've also been putting in hours and hours of overtime at work.  that has been exhausting because they've been putting me on the phone with cranky customers all day.  but i do it because i know when i get my next paycheck, it will have been more than worth it. :)



on top of all that, my spiritual life has been a huge rollercoaster.  last saturday evening, i tried out a non-denominational church: Calvary Chapel.  i really enjoyed it and will definitely be going back tomorrow night.  after the worship, they had us get in small groups with the people around us and pray for each other.  i met 3 amazing women, one of whom was an incredible prayer warrior!  i was happy i got to meet them and they said they are going to look for me again this week.  i'm greatly looking forward to that.



the pastor talked about the crucifixion, which is normally pretty standard, but i learned so many new things which was cool and helped to bring the story alive for me again.  i even took notes, which i haven't done in years!



after the message, they had bread and juice at the front for people to take communion and for the first time in my whole life, i did not feel worthy to participate.   fortunately, the room was dark as the worship band played and i just pulled my knees up to my chest and sobbed.  i felt so unworthy.  i was trying so hard to reach God and it felt like He just wasn't reaching back.  maybe He had left me.  maybe all my sins were finally more than enough and He had given up on me.  it feels weird to say that because my whole life the only thing i've ever been sure about has been Him.  i've never felt unloved or unworthy.  i know i'm not worthy, but i'd always been sure of His love and that in itself had made me worthy.



i talked to my mom about everything for an hour on Sunday and she helped me a lot.  she made me realize a few things about everything i have been going through.



a) i have become disillusioned with American Christianity.  i have started writing a piece about that (in addition to my other two, haha) but it breaks my heart.  because i have seen so many Christians hide our faith or embarrass it, i feel i have to pick up their slack.  my mom explained to me that this is not my responsibility.  i can only do what God has called ME to do.  i can't do my stuff, plus 12 other peoples.  i can only honor His plan for MY life.  no one else's.  that's hard for me.



b) i am aware of our short time on earth.  i have been for a long time and because of that, i feel this constant need to rush.  i need to rush to do missions and rush to travel and rush to move and rush to help people and rush and rush and rush.  we're running out of time!  then my mom reminded me of Joseph.  how he was in prison for SEVEN YEARS for something he did not do.  "what a waste of time!" would be our opinion.  but not to God.  it was the PERFECT time.  all of it.  same thing with John the Baptist and with Jesus, who only had 3 years to do His ministry.  but it was God's timing, and therefore, it was perfect.  that is hard for me to comprehend, and probably the biggest thing i need to let go of.  i am desperately afraid of wasted time.  but in the end, my definition of wasted time and God's definition are two completely different things.  God's timing will always take precedence, and all i have been doing is fighting against something i cannot change, and more than that, something that is perfection.



i'm doing, Lord," or "this is what i'm changing," or "this is what i'm giving up."  i do not know how to  just approach Him and say, God.  i have nothing.  absolutely nothing to give you.  but please, just love me anyways. 

that has been the struggle with the men in my life.  i have always tried to be enough.  and i never have been.  i've always been much less than enough and i am afraid to know that that's what i am to the Almighty God whom i love so much.



it's crazy to feel all those things because i never have before.  and my mom encouraged me to let go.  to let Him carry me.  to really fall at His feet without trying to do something first.  i know that is why Jesus came, to be the ultimate Pure Sacrifice for us to access the Holy Place.  i don't know why that has become so hard for me.



i have to believe also, that Satan is trying to be heavily involved in my life, and while i know i should rebuke him, i find myself listening to his whispers of how i have failed, of how i am unworthy.  while that has been a struggle for me, at the same time, i am honored that he is trying endlessly to destroy the foundation that i've had for so long.  there must be reasons for that and i have to hope that those reasons are what God has been doing in my life, and whatever He is preparing me for.



writing about all this reminded me of a story that i heard a pastor's wife tell a few weeks ago.  she said that she was talking to a woman and her husband and the woman had been coming to the church for awhile.  she kept asking her husband to come with her.  he wouldn't come, mostly because he was a big partier and most sunday mornings, he was just dragging himself in from a late night.  one sunday morning, he finally gave in and came to church with his wife.  he said he was still drunk when he came to church.  yet when he walked through the door and heard the worship, He felt the presence of God overtake Him.  he came forward that day to accept Christ, has been sober ever since, and has not missed one Sunday.



the pastor's wife said that she loved that about our God.  we come to His feet sometimes and we are a mess.  but God does not turn us away.  He does not say, "nice try.  you need to come back when you are all cleaned up.  you need to come back when you've got your stuff together."  in fact, He does the opposite.  He floods us with His presence and draws us into His arms and says "I've got you."



i was bawling when i heard that story.  and now i realize why.  it is so hard for me to just come to His feet a mess.  i love Him so much.  and He is my King.  i feel as though i owe Him so much more than to give him my little run-down, falling apart heart.  but for right now, i think that's all He wants.  what a strange, great God He is.  i pray that i can just let go of my human perspective and let Him grasp me with everything wonderful He is.