adieu to 22sci fi book reviews

"amazing still, it seems,

i'll be 23.

i won't always love what i'll never have.

i won't always live in my regrets."

i found the above song when i was 17, back when myspace was cool. i had gone to jimmy eat world’s page to find another song, “hear you me,” but instead of finding the song i wanted, “23” came pouring through my headphones and i immediately fell in love. that song was a reason to sit on myspace and press repeat for hours, days, and months to come.

and as i sat and let the melody run through my veins, i never ceased to wonder what my life would look like when i was 23. i wondered if these lyrics would be true of me when i was 23. i wondered if i’d finally be happy when i was 23.

being 17, 23 felt like it would never come. my immediate focus was getting to 18, so i could finally get my nose pierced.

but now, here i am. on the eve of my 23^rd birthday. as sure as i was that it would never come, it is almost here. and in looking back at the person i thought i would be and the person i actually am…they are millions of miles apart.

but in looking back at the plans i had and the way things turned out...

well,

i wouldn't change a thing.

---

i never expected to get out of the abusive relationship i was in at the time. yet, i walked away. 2 years later i got out and still, i wondered how i would survive without him.

i never expected to get over that heartbreak; never believed that there would eventually be nights in which i wouldn’t drive around sacramento, blaring katy perry’s acoustic “thinking of you” and bawling my eyes out. yet, i long ago moved on.

i never expected that the people i was closest to in high school would go away; that they would blatantly ignore my phone calls and facebook messages. i also never expected that in turn, the people i rarely talked to during high school would become some of the people i now trust and love the very most. yet, they are.

i never expected that my family would become more than the people i shared a living situation with; that they would soon become everything wonderful and important in my life. but they are; they are everything.

i never expected to waste so much time on as many guys as i did. i never expected to fall for so many and for them all to hurt me so deeply. i never expected to settle.

at the same time, i never expected that i would stop settling. yet, i have. i started saying no. i stopped wasting my time. i started being alone, but i stopped being a doormat.

i never expected to embrace being a woman. yet, i did and i do.

i never expected that God would give me such boldness that i would find myself standing at street corner protests talking to people about Him. or that my weekday afternoons would consist of standing at the Christian booth at my community college, sharing the love of Christ with Muslims and atheists. i never expected that i would be that girl, the one challenging people of different races, backgrounds and religious beliefs to reconsider their stances on issues such as evolution and abortion. yet, i had and have no doubts that that is one of God's callings on my life and that He will continue to use me and stretch me and grow me in that area.

i never expected to fall for my brother's best friend, the goofy boy who was once the reason our family sat together to eat dinner and also the reason my brother got in trouble for smoking cigarettes at the ripe age of 13. i never thought that that goofy boy would become a man--even more, a Marine--who still sometimes smokes cigarettes, but who would wake me up every morning with a "good morning beautiful" text message, who would kiss away my tears and who would never to give me butterflies with one glance of his eyes. yet...he is--all of those things and more.

i never expected that the job i once hated—the stand in the shower crying every morning before work kind of hate—would lead to making friends, receiving promotions and moving 400 miles away to start a brand new adventure in orange county.

i never expected that being alone down here would bring me so much closer to my beautiful God and in turn, would lead to a life of unspeakable gratitude and pure joy.

i never expected this to be my life. i guess i never expected to be 23. maybe i expected to be 17 forever.

but i’m thankful that 17 is gone. at 17, i didn’t know the worth of my heart or the possibilities for my life. i didn’t know the kind of love i could have versus the love i was settling for. i didn’t know that with age i would find more of my youth--not in the body, but in the soul.

6 years ago, i couldn’t have guessed the painful, beautiful growth i would go through and the adventures i would have and the laughs i would share and the memories i would make. i couldn’t have guessed the ways in which my True Love would rescue me and how far He would bring me.

as 23 descends slowly, but surely, upon me,

i have to smile as i realize that those lyrics that once permeated my soul

will be true of my 22-going-on-23 self.

that they do reflect this crossing over,

this farewell to

plans.

expectation.

regrets.

that they are true of me.

so here is where i bid you adieu, 22. you have loved me good and well and beautifully. but not enough to keep me-- and so, we must part ways forever.

thank you for the love i found in you,

for the tears i cried in you,