last night, i had a dream that perfectly sums up how i've felt these days.
i was standing in line for the self-checkout at the grocery store, all by myself.
then all of a sudden, a swarm of people rush up to get in line also. only, i quickly realize that all these people are failing to notice that i was in line first.
a checkout lane finally opens up and of course, a short little blonde woman rolls her cart up to start scanning her stuff, completely ignoring the fact that i'm standing directly in front of her. and thus begins a very familiar internal debate.
"should i say something? no, i shouldn't say something. just be patient. but she's just rude. how can i just sit here and let her be so rude? i'll never get out of here if i don't say something."
so--as it never happens in real life--i said something to the woman: "excuse me, but i was in line first." and she stares at me--a blank stare that shows she doesn't have a clue what she's doing.
she doesn't respond or acknowledge me at all; instead, she just goes right back to scanning her stuff.
so i approach her and ask, "why are you being so rude?" i don't remember her response in my dream, all i know was that i responded by pushing her. (very christian of me, yes?) she, of course, pushes me back, so her and i start struggling. i now feel horrible for getting in a physical altercation with someone at the grocery store, so i pull away from her and say, "all i wanted was some concern. all i wanted was an apology."
mumbling an insincere "sorry" under her breath, she goes right back to scanning her stuff. and i stand there watching her, feeling helpless, until i finally wake up.
no, i have never had such an intense shopping experience before, :) but i would say that the dream is an accurate depiction of how i feel on a daily basis.
i was in target the other day, CLEARLY looking at a pair of shoes. another woman comes and stands, LITERALLY, directly in front of me and the shoes i'm looking at. i didn't get an "excuse me" or an apology. i got nothing. she did not even acknowledge my existence. she simply started pulling out boxes and sits down to try the shoes on. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SHOES I WAS LOOKING AT.
i stood there for a couple minutes, having an internal debate similar to the one in my dream. but, opposite from my dream, i gave up and walked away.
things like this happen to me often.
i will say, "excuse me" to squeeze by someone and they will stare at me and deliberately not move. i will be crossing the road to get INSIDE a store and people will drive up and slam on their brakes inches from me, as if they're going to hit me. i have had two things in my hand and had people with shopping carts overloaded with stuff race me to the checkout, instead of letting me go ahead with my two things. i have had more doors slammed in my face than i can count.
after waking up this morning from my dream, i stood in the shower and cried. because, really, what can i do? it hurts to know that when it really comes down to it, i am helpless. while i don't believe these people are deliberately trying to hurt me, they are deliberately unconcerned with anyone else but themselves. i was not raised this way and i don't understand the mentality. part of me almost wishes i could be the same as those people because then, maybe, i would care as little as they do. and maybe, it wouldn't affect me so much.
but this is the way God made me. times like these make me wish those moments didn't hurt so badly. or even more, wishing i had the guts to say something. but i don't. i never do.
instead, i push my cart along.
i leave the shoes section in target and migrate over to skincare.
and however frustrated i am in those moments,
i know each time, more than the time before, that i want to be different.
because then maybe, i will be a little more like the man who is always mopping the floors at my usual grocery store,
...the one who says he likes it when customers make a mess because it ensures that he still has a job to clean it up.
...maybe a little more like the old man in the meat section who tells me that every day is a great day.
...maybe a little more like the girl at the deli in the suite next to my work, the one who calls my name when i come in and waves goodbye to me when i leave.
...maybe a little more like those rare beings you come across who make your day a little better, a little brighter. those people that reassure you that humankind can be destined for greatness, if we choose to live our lives that way.
i always promise myself that the next time someone does something rude to me, that i will say something. of course, saying something has yet to happen.
maybe it's okay that way.
i can't promise that next time i WON'T say something,
but i pray that, if i do, love and kindness will flow like honey from my lips
and i will still manage to shine as Christ would have me shine.
i do wish that the world wasn't so dark sometimes.
but i also know that if it wasn't so dark,
Jesus in me wouldn't shine so bright.
hopefully i will remember that next time i feel like shoving some woman at the supermarket. :)
"let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
{matthew 5:16}
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