--this saturday has started out perfect so far. it's pouring rain outside and i'm thankful i'm at home (and not at work) so i can actually enjoy it!
and "enjoying it" means cranking my little room heater up while all the windows are open so that i can listen to the sweet tip-tap of the water on the grass outside. to top it off, there's a hot coffee with hazelnut creamer to my right and a set of blog tabs open in front of me, which i can't wait to catch up on. i like today:)
--my best friend, kate, is moving to florida. in 10 days.
this summer, we'll have been best friends for 15 years. for the first 13, we lived only a handful of miles from each other. we saw each other a couple of times a week at church until i turned 16 and got a car. after that, it was something like every other day. there was once a period in 2008 where we saw each other every single day for about 6 weeks straight and never got sick of each other. needless to say, we pretty much grew up together and most of my childhood, teenage, and early adult memories have kate and sacramento wrapped up in them. when i moved to orange county almost two years ago, there was something reassuring about coming home and knowing she'd be there. but in a matter of basically one week, she decided to move 2,110 miles away, got a job, bought her plane ticket. i am unbelievably happy for her because i have no doubt it is all a God-thing. at the same time, it has forced me to grieve my childhood. i've spent the last couple weeks bursting into tears at a moments notice, knowing that when i go home to visit for easter in a couple weeks, she won't be there. instead of spontaneous hang-outs, midnight trips to denny's, and sleepovers at each other's parents house, we'll make plans to see each other when we're both home for holidays like thanksgiving and christmas. sacramento will never be the same. we will never be the same.
i've tried explaining this to other people, but no one else quite seems to get it. "you two will still be the same. you'll still be best friends." oh, absolutely. but we're talking about big, grown-up stuff now. life will never go back to how it was when we were 16. we're no longer talking about our dreams--we're making them happen. something about this is extremely freeing, but also extremely heart-breaking. i couldn't explain it, even if i wanted to. but i know kate gets it. and maybe some of you do, too. maybe it's just a girl thing:)
anywho. but we ARE going out with last hoorah: san francisco. early tuesday morning, i'll fly up to my favorite city in the world. kate will pick me up from the airport and we'll spend two full days together. we booked reservations at a quaint little hotel that serves complimentary breakfast and one glass of wine in the evenings. we've made plans to see all the old sights that we've been to a thousand times, but also, to do the things we've never done before. like take a ride on san francisco's signature cable cars:) God-willing, it's going to be a fantastic, much-needed trip for both of us. i'm sure there's going to be lots of hugs, lots of reminiscing, lots of tears. but i'm thankful for all of it--the tears, especially--because they only mean that i've loved and loved deeply. i wouldn't trade my friendship with her for anything. no amount of miles in the world could ever change the precious bond we have.
--we are officially a little over 4 months into deployment. FOUR. that's more than halfway. we have 3 months to go and while it feels like forever, 3 months feels so much better than 7. i've also been able to skype ethan a couple of times, which has been wonderful. as much as technology drives me crazy sometimes, i can't help but be thankful that i'm part of a generation where i actually get to see my love from thousands of miles away, instead of having to wait on a single letter every couple of weeks. the only downside is that ethan is in a not-so-good area. however, in those stressed out, worried moments, i find myself thinking about something my friend, jessica, a fellow Marine girlfriend told me: "you just have to know that whatever it is is already written. God is in control and he can do a much better job at taking care of ethan than anyone else."
i'm not sure if she knows how much she affected me with that sentence, but it's one that i've held onto, especially in the more recent months. i won't truly have a peace until ethan's feet are back on American soil, but i still manage to find it when i realize that there's a God who already knows what's going to happen and has it orchestrated for the best. and thank God for friends who are supportive and understanding. :)
--speaking of friends, some of mine have been kind of awful lately. i feel i'm going through this purifying process with friendships. there were a handful that i thought were solid. there have been others that i've tried to develop. and most of them, sadly, are not working out so much. i try texting and calling people to see how they're doing and i find that i get nothing. and the people that do try to be in my life seem to be of the mindset that i'm their own personal counselor who is just waiting around to listen to all of their life problems. it's been a little painful to realize that there aren't a whole lot of people in my life who genuinely want to get to know me or appreciate me simply for who i am. i've been praying about what i might be doing wrong and what i can do to be a better friend. in some of my friendships, i've gotten enlightenment that i need to try harder. this looks like picking up the phone to call someone instead of being so crazed that i don't text/email them back for days or weeks at a time. technology is a blessing sometimes, but it also makes room for excuses to be lazy. i don't want to be lazy anymore with the people who really are important to me. at the same time, i make myself too available for people who are toxic. i give people my time out of guilt that they "need" something (i.e. personal counselor, as mentioned above), not because i actually care about them. and that's not a friendship either. it looks like i still have quite a bit of learning to do, but i'm getting there.
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| {this one looks a lot like my "things i want to do" list} |
--on a similar note, two weekends ago, i made a couple lists: the first was "things i feel i'm supposed to do." the second was "things i actually want to do." both lists were about the same length. and when i got down to the nitty-gritty honest part of myself, both of them surprised me a little bit. but with them brought the realization about all the little things i do out of obligation and how much time that takes away from doing the things i actually want to do. a big thing on my "supposed to do" list was getting on the internet and blogging. hence my blogging absence. i haven't wanted to blog much, but i've been wanting to read and journal more. so i have been. and i feel good about it. another thing on my "supposed to do" list was something along the lines of "never have a bad day." i hate it when people ask me how i'm doing and i tell them i'm good, even though i'm really, really crappy. at the same time, i am terrified to be that person who people avoid because when you ask them how they're doing, you get to hear their "a 101 reasons why my life stinks." so i'm determined to find a happy medium of knowing when to be honest enough to say, "yes, i'm having a bad day" without spilling my guts to every person on the street. the hardest part for me is to admit that i need help. i grew up with this mindset that i always had to be strong, so to admit that i might need someone else is extremely difficult for me.
i also got some enlightenment in this area from a quote in "bride wars" and it has stuck with me the past month or so: "sometimes it's about me." i know it sounds like i'm playing the martyr card right now, like, "oh, i'm so giving and unselfish." but actually, it's the complete opposite; i am prideful. i heard that in a sermon a couple weeks ago, about how false humility is actually pride in disguise. i'm too prideful to admit that i don't have it all together and that sometimes i'm grumpy or angry. sometimes i don't want to talk to God. sometimes i'm a complete and total emotional basket case. i'm too prideful to admit that sometimes i. need. help. i need a good cry. i need someone to listen to me just have a good solid rant. i finally let myself do that the other day on the phone with kate and after i was done, i felt a million times better just from saying how i felt. even if it was wrong or made no sense at all. there is definitely a time to need people. i'm sure my friends and family want to be needed by me sometimes, just as i want to be needed by them. slowly, but surely, i'm learning what a healthy version of that looks like.
--in other, completely shallow news, i went to target yesterday, where i bought the cutest brown tights, a pair of white leggings, some orange shimmery eyeshadow (sounds strange, but it's so cute), and a pretty new blush color. i have nowhere to go today, but i want to use all of them, even if it's just to walk around the house. BUT, i'm not going to. instead, i'm saving them for tuesday. for san francisco. :) i can't wait.
welp, i think that's all for right now. i planned only to write a quick post, but i guess my thoughts got away from me. :) i haven't written for myself in a while and it feels pretty dang good. i've missed blogging, i just haven't been sure what to write about. where to start, what to say. and speaking of blogging, i'm considering a blog name change. i know it's not politically correct in bloggy world and i've been struggling with that for awhile now, but as of this moment, i don't think i really care:) there's always time for a fresh start. we'll see if i can make it happen.
anyways, i've missed all of you a whole lot. thanks for reading along and hopefully i'll be back here again real soon<3 i hope your saturday is relaxing and magical!
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