on yearning

last week, i read a chapter in shauna niequist's book, bittersweet, where she talked about yearning.
 
"...and then i realize that as i much as i want my friend's abs, she wants a baby, and we're all yearning for something."
 
we're all yearning for something.
 
those 5 words have been tapping on my heart ever since.
 
 because reading that made me see people differently, made me realize that all of us have dreams and desires that other people might not particularly see.  i don't often feel like i'm connected to the greater vision of humankind, but this made me feel as if all of us are really tied together in some ways.  there are common threads in each of us.
 

and because it made me wonder exactly what it is that i am yearning for in this season.
 
at the beginning, i came up with nothing.  i have a job, which is a blessing all by itself.  this job puts food in my belly and gives me the freedom to change my schedule.  it's a place where i feel appreciated and where i am starting to see i have a ministry, no matter how small.
 
my family is amazing.  of course we're not perfect, but we try hard and we love each other.  there is not a day that passes that i don't thank God for what He has given me in them.
 
i am at peace with my friendships.  especially now that i have also come to realize how much having a small handful of good friends is the biggest blessing a girl can ask for.
 
i am beyond happy with ethan.  i feel like we're finally at a place where we realize that both of us are going to hurt each other's feeling and let each other down, but that we still want to be together besides the messiness both of us carry.  we're learning to communicate and to lean on each other.  even more exciting is that we've begun to discuss our future.  nothing set in stone, no timeline in place. 
 
but we talked a little bit about marriage in the car a couple weekends ago.  he was telling me what a pain it is to get married in the Marine Corps and i asked if he wanted to wait until after his last 4 years in the military.  he raised his eyebrow at me.  "are you fishing for something?"
 
"not at all," i told him.  "i just want to know what your intentions are, what i should expect for the future."
 
he turned and gave me the most sweetest (not correct grammer, i know;)) look on the planet.  "i can't wait 4 years. i want you to be mine."
 
cue the butterflies.  big ones.
 
i'm definitely not interested in rushing toward marriage, especially one where the military is involved.
 
nonetheless, it's exciting to think about.  to know that life keeps unfolding and unfolding, blossom after blossom. 
 
i'm learning to be at peace with the uncertainty of the future.  i'm discovering more things i'm interested in and i feel like i'm getting to the point where i'm actually narrowing down a handful of them to pick a major for school.  it's exciting to move forward, to press on toward dreams.
 
i have learned to embrace being in the tiny, 3-bedroom home where i reside in orange county.  i have learned to appreciate that, with this urban environment, comes opportunity to see and do a million different things on any given day.  there are a million opportunities and experiences within my reach.
 
in all of this, i am blessed.
 
 
and yet...
 
there is STILL a yearning there.  a big part of my heart that cannot find a place within itself to be content.

 
two weekends ago, ethan and i went to santa monica and it was there that i began to feel this unbearable burning.  to buy things.  shoes, clothes, decorations for my room.  all of a sudden, i felt this panic that i needed to re-do my look and to decorate my room, all the while making a mental list of all the places i want to travel.  when we stumbled upon hot topic, i was desperate for something, anything.  a change of some sort.  i told ethan, "i need something.  i need to die my hair red or buy a tutu or pierce my face or...i just need something."
 
i ended up leaving with red hair extensions and a hello kitty sweater.  quarter-life crisis, maybe? 
 
even still, it wasn't enough.
 
but as i laid in my backyard that Sunday and soaked up some sun, i realized that what this burning is...is longing.  a deep-down longing that i can literally feel within the cells in my bones.  it resides in the molecules of my skin and in the blood that pumps through my veins.

i am longing for God.  yet, instead of filling myself with Him, i pull out shopping bags and fill it with stuff.


this is a part of me that has grown progressively worse as time has gone on.  but last weekend was when i really began to feel the unbearable nature of discontentment.

so much of my physical being yearns for the world--for cobblestone streets and sunsets and old, faded books.  and i don't think there's anything wrong with that.  i believe God set big dreams in our hearts and that He draws us closer to Him through all these things each and everyday.

but i believe i have gotten to a point where i believe that my outer being--the places i go, the way that i dress, the decor of my house--actually reflects who i am inside.  i've become desperate for things that i feel might find a way to display my heart.  and i have come to dislike this person very, very much.  yet, i have no idea how to get rid of her.

my biggest issue, i think, is clothes.  i spend more money, time, and energy going shopping for clothes. i am afraid to not be the prettiest, cutest dress girl in the neighborhood (not my literal neighborhood, but you catch my drfit;)). i think a lot of us women feel this way.

but for me, it has become an obsession.  an exhausting game of "keep up."  i have taught myself that i am only as valuable as how much make-up i'm wearing or how cutely i'm dressed.

i know this is wrong and i want it to change.

***

i believe that our yearning as human beings is one of the biggest parts of us.  God has set eternity in our hearts--the deepest kind of longing we can possibly experience.  even as close as we are to God on this earth, i don't believe that yearning will ever be fully satisfied until we reach heaven.  but i do believe that we can CHOOSE to be satisfied by knowing what we have in Him, by knowing that our futures lies in His hands.

there is no neat way to wrap up this post, except to say that i wrote this because it's been pricking at my heart.  originally, i wanted to write about the beautiful, God-like things i yearn for.  but that is for another post, another time.  right now, i want to make it a discipline, that every time i see something and think i "need" it, that i should shift my eyes to heaven and realize that



i am blessed.



and i don't need anything more than what i already have.



"...but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst." {john 4:14}