Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
the only time i seriously considered ending my own life was in 8th grade. my family was in the midst of serious problems, i was afraid of my father, and the boy i loved didn’t want me back. it sounds melodramatic being that I was only 13-years-old, but it was the hardest time of my life. most of my close friends at school had already started sleeping with each other and being involved in drugs, so i was alone most of the time. looking back, i was probably also under great spiritual attack. i don't think i could grasp that at the time, all i knew was that i didn't trust God, and so i kept Him at a distance.
daily, i dreamt of what it would be like to die. i read very dark books about girls my age being involved in drugs and prostitution and my thoughts would wander to such a life because anything seemed better than what i was going through. it was an awful time.
the moment that stands out to me the most was following a day that my family spent with my dad, who was not living with us at the time. he was cruel to us the entire day and i thanked God the TV was loud as i curled up onto my floor and sobbed for hours. later that evening, i went into the bathroom and began pulling all the aspirin out of our cabinets. i don’t remember how close i really was to killing myself, but i was at least seriously considering taking everything in the cabinet and seeing what would happen. fortunately for me, my mom heard me crying and knocked on the door to let her in. i poured all my anguish out before her. i don’t remember what she said, all i know was i gave up the idea of hurting myself because in the end, i would be hurting her. and she had enough on her plate.
it was still a day-to-day battle the 6 months or so following that night. the day i graduated from Carnegie Middle School was the first day i remember feeling happy again. a month later, in July 2002, i went to Mission-Fuge with my youth group and re-dedicated my life to Christ, which was one of the best moments of my life.
i cannot say that I never thought about dying again since then, but those thoughts have never been there to stay. what really got me through that difficult time was the feeling of one good moment.
one minute of laughter.
one ray of sunshine on my skin.
one taste on my tongue of something delicious.
now, i know that no matter how hard things get, there will always be one more good moment to be had.
and i have to be here so that i don’t miss it :)
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