It’s been a good week. Not that faltering, one minute I’m up, the next I’m down kind of good.
That solid, life is good, kind of good.
I spent a good chunk of time trying to write about my good week in my journal last night and it was near impossible because there are just too many good feelings that they can’t possibly be verbalized. So, I’m just going to document the highlights; the parts of the week that changed me for the better.
--Church on Sunday evening. The worship was quiet and peaceful and I needed that. I closed my eyes and paid attention to the words. The sermon was even better—not the better where I’d walked out with a spiritual high like I do at my other church, but the better where the speaker truly made me think. I’ve wanted to be a missionary for a long time and lo and behold, he talked about missions. At first, I was bored and tempted to walk out, but then he really started to delve into some areas I needed to hear. He talked about how we need to not focus on ministering to other people, but to focus on ministering to the heart of God. That was something I had honestly never heard before in regards to this subject. When I think of ministry, I think of digging in deep with people, holding them in times of need and anguish, laughing with them. Just being there and loving them. But if I am not ministering to the heart of God, then how can I possibly minister to the hearts of others? If I can just love and be in love with God, everything else will fall into place. I have seen that truth during many periods of my life. Another point the speaker made was to wait on the Lord. He talked about what a good waiter at a restaurant looks like—his attentiveness, concern, care for the people he is serving. That really hit home for me because I feel like I am constantly grabbing God’s hand trying to pull Him forward, like “This way, God, c’mon, God, hurry, God!” And He is just smiling, shaking His head at me: “Not yet, dear Child.” I want to learn to wait on Him, to wait for Him to move, to lead. I know it will yield powerful results. Trust is a hard thing for me, but I want to learn it once again.
--Two and a half hours on the phone with my mama. I can’t remember the last time we talked on the phone for that long, but we couldn’t stop. She shared with me stories about work and friends and she encouraged me to stop making “to-do” lists for God and just learn how to be with Him. The conversation rang similar to many of the conversations we’ve had over the past year. But I’ve needed every one of them and this one was no different. I hung up feeling like a new person and I’ve spent the rest of the week basking in the freedom her words gave me. I love my mama and I feel so blessed to be her daughter.
--Two phone calls from Ethan. I wasn’t supposed to hear from him until this coming Wednesday, so my heart almost exploded when I saw his name dance across my phone. We talked for a long time and joked and laughed and caught up and made fun of each other. We also talked about how I don’t trust him sometimes and he wishes I would. I told him that I gave away so much love before and I don't think I've gotten it all back. His response? “You can have some of mine. I have more than enough for both of us.” If only he knew how he made my heart feel with those words. I am so lucky to have someone as amazing as him love me so thoroughly.
--Aaaand more phone calls: some from my best friend, Kate. One from my sister. And a long solid Facebook chat with my other best friend, Ryan, in Maryland. :)
--Two and a half hours on the phone with my mama. I can’t remember the last time we talked on the phone for that long, but we couldn’t stop. She shared with me stories about work and friends and she encouraged me to stop making “to-do” lists for God and just learn how to be with Him. The conversation rang similar to many of the conversations we’ve had over the past year. But I’ve needed every one of them and this one was no different. I hung up feeling like a new person and I’ve spent the rest of the week basking in the freedom her words gave me. I love my mama and I feel so blessed to be her daughter.
--Two phone calls from Ethan. I wasn’t supposed to hear from him until this coming Wednesday, so my heart almost exploded when I saw his name dance across my phone. We talked for a long time and joked and laughed and caught up and made fun of each other. We also talked about how I don’t trust him sometimes and he wishes I would. I told him that I gave away so much love before and I don't think I've gotten it all back. His response? “You can have some of mine. I have more than enough for both of us.” If only he knew how he made my heart feel with those words. I am so lucky to have someone as amazing as him love me so thoroughly.
--Aaaand more phone calls: some from my best friend, Kate. One from my sister. And a long solid Facebook chat with my other best friend, Ryan, in Maryland. :)
--Cold Tangerines came in the mail. I’ve been pouring myself into it; I can’t stop, actually. I’ve been soaking up every word and underlining and re-reading and I see so clearly in my mind the person I am deep down and how much I’d like to see that person come out--that person who is more soft-spoken than loud and more soft than hard and more joyful than angry. I want to see that person; she’s in there, I just need to let go of some things so I can know her more. Amazing how much a book can make you see those parts of yourself so clearly.
--I’m also enjoying that I’ve found a way to feel truly beautiful. I’m not sure where it came from, but while I know my belly’s not flat and my arms aren’t toned and my boobs aren’t perfect, I’ve found that that’s okay. I haven’t been to the gym for a bit and while I want to go for exercise purposes, I no longer feel the need to go to try to achieve the perfect body or something. I look in the mirror and I feel beautiful. I no longer stand there poking and prodding and squeezing the parts of myself I wish I could change. Instead, I see my eyes and my hair growing long and I dab some lip stain on and I feel amazing. I’m not sure where that came from, but I really like it and I hope it doesn’t go away anytime soon.
--These blogs:
They both spoke to my heart in completely different ways. The first one touched me in the way that I can relate to everything she wrote about. I often wonder why I am stuck here in southern California when there are wars and famine across the world and why can’t I be there to do something about it? To love someone in the midst of all of it? After the tsunami in Japan, I spent hours praying that if God could make a way, to please let me go. I would wrap my arms around the lost and cry with the broken-hearted. I forget sometimes that there’s already Someone there taking care of that.
The second post just uplifted my spirit. I have been big on the word possibility lately and Erika’s post just spoke so much reassurance and life into my heart in that aspect. We often let age, time, circumstances prod us to think that “this is all life is and this is all it will ever be.” I’ve felt that way A LOT these days. But her words reassured that while life never goes according to plan, there is still time to take chances and live out dreams. Change can sometimes be extremely painful, but it can also offer the most beautiful array of possibilities.
I really encourage you to read both of those posts.
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It’s amazing how much perspective can change in just a handful of days. How I can nearly feel God's hands within my chest, molding this heart of mine. That’s definitely not to say that there’s no hurting moments where I want something different and—more than anything—wish Ethan was here. But I’m finding peace in this place—which is exactly what I’ve been writing about so often lately and it’s amazing how God can answer prayers through family and friends and books and church services and blogs and just alone time.
All I hope is that I can find a way to make this peace stay for awhile--to wrap it’s arms around me and love me for just a little bit longer.
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