on the other side of every fear is freedom

on friday morning, while i was at work, pulling apart files, my mind went somewhere between dreaming and reminiscing.  i started thinking about the future.  about how, if i can't make it another year in this place, then where else could i go?





and i remembered this moment--got stuck on it, really:

that picture was taken on july 3rd, during my vacation up to sacramento.  my best friend and i had snuck away to one of our favorite little downtown places, crepeville.  we ordered our usual and grabbed a table outside.  the evening gave off the perfect amount of summer heat and i remember breathing deep and thinking that i never knew how quiet sacramento could be.  we spent the evening talking endlessly: about family.  about love.  about plans for the next day.  we stayed until the sun had nearly disappeared.

that was--hands down--one of the most peaceful moments i've had in a long while.  i tried to grasp it again as i sat at my desk and wondered how many more of those moments i'm willing to miss by being this far away.  i wondered if i could go back.  after all, sacramento was only the one place i had been trying to escape for years--could i bring myself to do it?  even if for only a little while?

almost immediately upon those thoughts rising, every other part of my mind attacked them, began to shut them down.

you can't, you won't, you shouldn't, and all the reasons why poured like a tsunami through my head as they so often do.  only this time, God was good enough to grant me a strange epiphany: that is my response EVERY time i consider change.  every time.

and i stopped working and i sat and stared at the wall and realized something i honest-to-goodness had never realized before:

my life is driven by fear.

sounds melodramatic, i know, and i almost wondered if maybe i was being ridiculous, but then i went down the list

i feel afraid when i consider staying in orange county.

when i consider moving home to sacramento.

when i consider going to missionary school in georgia.

it takes me forever to write emails to people because i am afraid to say the wrong thing or come across the wrong way.

i fear to forget saying "i love you" every time i leave someone or hang up the phone because what if i never see them again?

i am afraid to forget my past, my memories and old friends that have long since disappeared from my life.

i am terrified to forget to the hurting, starving, suffering people across this planet.

i am afraid of disappointing God.

i am afraid of doing something i'll regret.

true and unrelentless and deep-seated, fear is very much alive and well in nearly every area of my life.  and even truer than that: i had no. idea.  not a clue.

i have always made it a point to always be aware--to be cautious and mindful of my actions and the way i live my life.  so often, i am surrounded by people who cast memories and people and events and decisions aside as if they are nothing more than yesterday's newspaper.  i have made it a point to never be like them--to never be, what i consider, a typical American--or human being even--which is blissfully ignorant to the realities of what's around them and calloused toward the feelings of others.

but at the same time, i am so concerned about doing the wrong thing, that i have found that what makes me happy no longer fits anywhere into the equation.

and the truth is?  going back to sacramento makes me want to die a little bit.  when i think of driving the same roads, passing the same landmarks, seeing the same people i've seen for 99% of my life...i kind of want to puke.

but then i think of going anywhere else and nothing seems to fit.  because "anywhere else" doesn't have my family or my best friends--the people i've loved all my life and who give me no doubts that they love me in return.  i imagine sitting next to my little sister on the couch or shooting the breeze with my mom in the kitchen.  i imagine more spontaneous crepe dates with my best friend. i imagine rain {oh, glorious rain!} and driving through the mountains or taking day trips to san francisco.

i've done that all a million times, but i suppose i'll do it a million more times again.  because it's not really what you're doing that matters--it's who you're doing it with.  and i'm tired of doing life with a hundred million strangers down here who don't even know i exist.  i want to do life with the people that make it a point to call me at least once a week to see how things are going.  i want to do life with the people who have my heart.

and no, sacramento is not a decision that's been set in stone--not even close.  i'm still pondering and considering and rolling the "seal of approval" around in between my fingers.  

but at the very least, sacramento has given me some things to think about.  and even if i never end up back where i started...even if i have to spend another year in this place...and even though i don't have a clue what the future looks like, i do know one thing:

i don't want to be afraid anymore.

my request is that you would please pray for me in that.  life was made to live.  and i want to know what that feels like once again.