sweet, sweet nothings

one hand fiddled with the camera case; the other held a cigarette out of sight.  i could tell because i could see the smoke rising behind the table.

"are you going to show your sister this?"

i smiled wide as the Camera Man steadied himself and i wrapped my arms around the pillow as i leaned in closer to hear.

"yeah, how about a few words to my sister?"

the camera zoomed in on "i love you, babe.  you're the best," which was immediately followed by a "isn't he sexy?" from Camera Man.  the man in the frame raised one eyebrow in the signature, mischievous way that he always does, and i had to roll my eyes and laugh.

he leaned down and took a puff of his cigarette and the camera zoomed in on the smoke.  i knew he smoked but i'd never seen him do it before.  something about it was manly...sexy.

and then, there it was, as the camera panned back up to his face:

"i miss you, palomita."

i'd almost forgotten that feeling: that breath-catching, heart-stopping, gasping-for-air, kind of feeling.  but it hit me like a freight train and for a moment, i felt weightless.

you could tell by Camera Man's awkward response that he missed it.  he didn't--couldn't--know what had just transpired.

but the Love from the across the table was unfaltering; his eyes held steady as they penetrated the screen and Love poured into my empty room.

---

that video was filmed in june 2010, when my brother drove ethan down to LA 3 weeks before he was originally supposed to leave for boot camp.  ethan and i had had our own good-bye back in sacramento, which included watching the sun set over the river and him holding me in my car while i cried until 4am.  even still, that didn't keep me from being jealous that my brother got to have the last good-bye with him (or so i thought--ethan didn't end up leaving for 3 more months, but that's another story in itself).  i was up in sacramento, trying to move on with my own life while ethan and kyle were having an amazing time in LA.  even though i may sound a little bitter, i really wasn't.  i just missed ethan and i wanted him back.

so last night, as i tried to find ways to help myself fall asleep, i saw their little road trip DVD sitting beside my TV, and out of curiosity, i had to put it in.  most of it was boring: ethan zooming in and out of scenery and my brother rambling on about who-knows what. i skimmed through 95% of it, but for some reason, i decided to stop on that clip of film--the last one on the disc.

and there he was, fiddling with the camera case and asking about me.

but that last part --i miss you, palomita--was what made my heart stop.

palomita is ethan's nickname for me--it means "little dove" in spanish.  he only uses it every so often.  and when he does, it never ceases to roll off his tongue with care and affection.  but this time, the part that got me the most? was that his untamed masculinity and love for me didn't rule each other out, but seemed to go hand-in-hand.

i'll admit, i struggle with that sometimes.  i wonder how men can balance still being men and relentlessly love a woman.

but last night, while watching that video, it became very clear to me that it's not impossible--the way ethan held himself with comfort and ease, yet his love for me poured out of every ounce of his being.

so it's no wonder that when that came across that clip of film, i just about turned into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West.  400 miles away, in a city full of other women...and there he was, whispering sweet nothings to me.

and as stupid as this may sound, i felt like a giddy little school girl again.  like the cutest boy in school just told his friend to tell my friend to tell me that he likes me.

and like similar moments as a little girl, i'll replay that 3-second clip over and over and over again and remember during these next couple weeks, while ethan is in training and i am alone, that a Good Man is always worth waiting for.

and i have the DVD to prove it. :)