on last weekend and doing nothing

on Friday, i discovered that i may have what is known as burnout.

that was the day i took off from work.  and it was a really nice day.

i slept in until 8:30 and laid in bed until 9.



the truth is i never wanted to get out of bed.  but i made myself.  i made myself drive to the coffee lab nearby and the traffic at 9am was so shockingly bad, that anxiety started to wash over me.

but i got home okay and i was fine.  i drank my latte and ate my breakfast burrito and started to read "bittersweet" by shauna niequist.  and that was when i began to cry.

the first reason i began to cry is because of the book.  the book is a beautiful one and it talks about grace and heartache in a way that makes you know God is there through all of it.  it was as if i could feel God's grace and presence in a tangible manner and i gave thanks for all of it.  that was one reason i wept.

the other reason i wept is because of this: i am tired.

my best friend told me recently that all she can seem to tell people, all the answers to all the questions can be summed up with those three words: i. am. tired.

that is exactly how i've been feeling.

i feel tired because i feel pulled in a million different directions all the time.  i feel tired because there's not enough time in the day to do all the things i want to do.  i feel tired because i feel under-appreciated and taken advantage of often (not by my inside circle of relationships, but on people i encounter on a day-to-day basis).  but i think the biggest reason i feel tired because daily i'm fighting fighting fighting (as i think most of us are) against rude people in the supermarket and heavy traffic and against sensory overload and media indoctrination and i'm constantly sifting sifting sifting through everything to find out what is true and what is not.  for me, it is sometimes hard to find hope in a place where the word "traffic" is in nearly every conversation you have and always at the forefront of your mind.  where there are probably as many billboards as there are people and where you have to drive at least a half hour to find an oasis of trees.  where your status is determined by the city you call home and the price of your car.  where there is no bare land or green hills in sight, but always always always a new fast food chain springing up on every corner.

it's not exactly that i don't want to be here.  i'm thankful for my reality because i know it's where i'm supposed to be.  it's just learning what to do with all of it is where i am asking God to teach me.

so, i cried for a very long time about this on Friday.  a couple hours, to be exact.  i cried at my kitchen table and in the car on the way to the tailor's and on the way to the gym.  and i worshipped A LOT. 

and i felt better after that.  i love the healing powers of a good, solid cry.

i came home from the gym, did my make-up, and drove down the coast to the mall.  and i worshipped some more and i went shopping and i still felt tired, but still hopeful at the same time, finding myself able to rest in a God in a way that's unexplainable.

shortly after i got home from the mall, ethan came over and asked me on a date:) we got dressed up and went to macaroni grill for dinner, then wandered around the outdoor mall nearby.



later that evening, i told ethan how i had been feeling and he told me that has been feeling exactly the same.  so, it was his idea that we would spend the weekend doing nothing.  i loved the idea and hated it at the same time.  i like doing.  going.  accomplishing.  exploring.  if i have a chance to cross something off my bucket list, by jove i'm going to do it.  but ethan told me, "sometimes it's okay to do nothing.  sometimes it's right to do nothing."

so for two days, we didn't make a single plan.  we slept in and took our time making breakfast.  we watched movies and went for walks and ate ice cream and went to the beach and made crockpot tacos and laid in my backyard at dusk and looked at the sky and watched the hummingbirds battle over the feeder.

i avoided my phone and i avoided my computer and lived in the moment.

and i declare, it was so so good.



now, it's monday.  back to the grind.  i woke up feeling tired and down this morning, but as the day's gone on, i've gone to feeling hopeful and reassured.  of what, i don't know.  but what i do know is that today's a beautiful day.  it is probably going to be a beautiful week.  and i want to be present for every second of it.