this was supposed to have been posted on the first of this month! i'm not sure what happened, but here goes again:)
***
a
lot has been going on the last month since i haven't written.
my
best friend came and visited one weekend, and my mom came and visited
another. both weekends were incredible and i miss both my mom
and Kate terribly.
(the
only pictures i have of my mom's trip down are on a disposable camera
that i haven't used up yet! :( )
Ethan
and i went to the mountains one weekend and a pumpkin patch another.
it began to rain and cool down, and then the temperature shot back up
into the 80's again.
i've
written blogs about all of these things individually, but just
haven't got around to posting them. probably because i've been
spending less and less time on the computer, which is one thing i'm
happy about. although, the one thing i HAVEN'T been cutting
back on is Pinterest, which i am happy about. i love
me some Pinterest. Pinterest is my happy place.
a
lot of changes have been going on in my heart and in my thought
life. it's nothing i am quite ready to write about because i am
still sorting through everything, figuring out what goes and what
stays. i will say, however, that these are good changes.
last weekend, i spent an hour or two holding onto Ethan's propped up
knees and sobbing. i have been struggling with depression.
and not the i-feel-sad-i'm-having-a-bad-day kind of sadness.
i'm talking about real, sick-to-your-stomach, crippling depression.
a state that makes you question whether or not this life is worth it,
whether or not that
good
moments are worth the suffering of painful ones. but i finally
cried and told the truth about what i'm struggling with. and on
Monday night, i had this epiphany: what am i willing to change, to
give up, in order to leave this dark place? kind of a hard
question, but one worth being asked.
Ethan
had suggested that, if all else fails, maybe i should consider moving
back home. i had never considered that as even an option, but
just hearing Ethan suggest it made me realize that there is still
possibility in my life. i'm not stuck, my life is not over, there are opportunities for me out there.
i
am still struggling. i haven't gone from the valley to the
mountaintops, although yesterday (Halloween) was a really, really
good day. but i figure that, in the meantime, i need to be
honest, to ask for help, and to keep seeking. i read a
blog this morning by Sarah Bessey where she talked about how a
few years ago, she felt like she didn't fit where she was in life.
but now she does. i like the idea of that and it makes me think
that one day, i'll find a place where i fit, too.
maybe
i'll write more about all that soon.
moving
on:)
Halloween:
yesterday
was a REALLY good day. i dressed up like a schoolgirl: plaid
skirt, white t-shirt, knee-high socks, pigtails, nerd glasses.
work was busy between my normal workday and the holiday festivities.
we had a potluck where we stuffed our faces, complimented each
other's costumes, and discussed Halloween plans.
after
work, i went to my new favorite cafe called milk & honey and got
my new favorite drink: a lavender latte. (so simple and understated,
which makes it that much more fun). i went home, drank my
latte, baked a pumpkin pie, made homemade whipped cream topping,
and
then Ethan came over. he took me to this really nice brewery
nearby for dinner and then we walked over to the theater to see
Paranormal Activity 4.
i rarely ever get to see Ethan during the week, so it's always a
treat when we get to have an extra handful of hours together.
Ethan
also prayed over dinner for the first time in a long time and it was
a pretty incredible prayer, in my opinion--that the trick-or-treaters
would be safe and that both of us would find meaning in our lives and
that God would give us the strength to keep holding onto the dreams
He put in our hearts and that He would allow them to come to
fruition.
we're
both big on dreaming right now and i like that.
i
also take a bit of joy in remembering last year's Halloween--the
beginning of the second week of Ethan's pre-deployment leave--and
being thankful that we're not re-living that this year.
last
weekend:
besides
the darkness i was struggling with, our last weekend was really good, too.
we ate pumpkin waffles, went to the flea market, watched a handful of
movies. my favorite moment of the weekend, though, was on Sunday night. we had
spent the entire day in my house and i was feeling really down and
wanted to get out. so, we went to Newport Beach to get my
favorite vanilla chais, then walked the couple blocks to the beach.
the sand was cold on
my feet and the moon was big and bright on the sky. we climbed
a lifeguard tower and watched the sandpipers dig for crabs and the
moon on the water. it was the loveliest evening i could've
imagined.
other
randomness:
+the
military ball is a week from today and i am really excited for this
year. mostly, just to dress up:) i bought a dress today--a
little red, strapless one, which i kind of think was a gift from
God. i've wanted a little red dress for SO long. last
year, that was all i shopped for, but i ended up wearing a long black
dress, instead. this year, i was looking for a little black
dress and voila! a strapless red number and in my size. the even bigger bonus is that it
was one of the first 5 dresses i tried on AND on sale at Jessica
McClintock. $50, baby. i swear it was fate:)
also,
i read this
really good post over at No Model Lady about "do's and
don't's" for military balls. it's pretty hilarious, but it also has some pretty important DO reminders--like to notice those with prosthetic legs and arms and to acknowledge that there are some who didn't even make it home. that's what these balls are all about, after all.
+a day in San Diego. the day after the ball, Ethan and i are going to explore San Diego, which i'm REALLY looking forward to.
+tonight
was a really good night. i spent the first half drinking the
rest of my lavender latte, eating pumpkin pie (which turned out AMAZING, by the way), and watching New
Moon. the last half i've spent gathering happy pictures into a
folder. these happy pictures are going to be printed and put
into a collage (my own real-life Pinterest board, if you will) on my
wall. i'm really excited about that. i'm also hoping to
make my own DIY dreamcatcher some time in the near future:) exciting
things!
on
a final note, i have decided to disable comments on my blog until
further notice. i have been wanting to do this for awhile.
the reason i haven't is because i have wanted feedback. i have wanted
people to be able to share their own stories in response to my stories.
it's one of my favorite things about blogging and i still want that. but there is this desire in me to write
things that are relevant, that people relate to, and if i feel i am not
writing like that, then i stop writing altogether. because of
my comparison to other people.
not
anymore, though. i want to write because i love writing.
i want to write for the sake of the written word. whether or
not people read or relate is irrelevant
that doesn't mean i don't want to hear from all of you, though. i created an
email address specifically for this blog: lovecharla@live.com
and you are welcome
to write me there at any time, for any reason. i would love to hear from you<3
lastly,
i want to say that i appreciate all of you who have been reading, and
continue to read. i love you:)
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