"The real underlying flaw in your life...is that you don't think I am good. If you knew I was good, and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust Me." God from "The Shack"
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ugh. writing has been difficult these past few days. God has been moving greatly in my life and i have such a great desire to share everything He is doing. but at this moment, the words escape me, so i'm just going to share the weekend just passed, which was probably one of my favorite weekends i've ever had.
friday was work and then running at the gym until close at 9. after that, i came home and decided it was time to get on my knees. i turned on some different songs i felt i needed to hear, some by eden's bridge (a celtic worship band), hillsong, relient k and others, lay face down on my bed and prayed and cried and cried and prayed. that above quote flooded in and out of my brain and i meditated on it. i poured all my fears, all my inadequacies, all my thoughts, before the throne and i let them stay there. the hardest thing to let go of was, without a doubt, ethan. i realized that i have been so afraid with ethan. afraid to let God have Him because, what exactly does that mean? if i let go of ethan, what will happen? will i lose him? will God take Him away from me? friday night though...i finally gave in. i told God my fears and poured ethan out before him as a sacrifice. while it was hard, i knew it was what God was asking from me, so that was exactly what i did. since then, it has been a daily offering up, but that is what we are supposed to do, and already God has taught me so much through it.
saturday i was up and about pretty early. spent some time at the gym. talked on the phone to my brother, kyle, for quite a bit, and then lots of laundry and cleaning and such. i also got my second letter from ethan which was even better than the first. it was a little longer, with more details about what his days look like and of course, telling me he misses me like crazy. i read it over and over and wrote him a long letter in return.
that evening, i went to calvary chapel for the second saturday in a row. the worship was one guy at the piano. he had an amazing, soulful voice and so did his 3 back up singers. while it was simple, it was powerful and moving. the message was also really good. we talked about the women in the resurrection story in mark. it says that they bought their own spices to put on jesus and as they made their way to the tomb, they asked each other "who will roll away the stone?" while they had no idea how it was going to happen, their faith still took them to the tomb and in turn, they got to be the first to know first that Jesus had risen. the pastor spoke about how we can do our temporal part and God will figure out the eternal part. the basic summary of the message was to pursue everything in our life with an eternal perspective. i wish i could explain more and do justice to his message, but i can't. all i can say is that it was just so very cool. :)
after the service, i met up with the mom (mimi) and daughter (nicolle) that i had prayed with the week before. we talked for an hour and exchanged numbers. they are both extremely sweet and the 3 of us meshed so well, especially nicolle and i. we are strangely alike and the friendship between us is fast-forming. we agreed that our meeting is Divine and we began to make multiple plans for coffee, sushi, to visit college groups in the area, etc. before we parted ways, they invited me to a special Halloween service they were going to the next evening and i eagerly accepted. it was strange, that exactly a week before i had left that same service feeling completely empty and hopeless. can so much really change in 7 days? on my drive home i praised God, thanking Him for my new found friendship and the renewed feeling in my spirit.
sunday was my favorite day of the weekend. i woke up early again because it was a horrible level of freezing in my bedroom and i needed some hot coffee and QUICK! i spent a good chunk of time knitting and watching roseanne, while i attempted to warm up in bed. then a quick trip to the gym and phone time with my little sister. after that, i went to starbucks to get out of the house. i found a cute little one only a mile or two from my house. the afternoon sun was shining and the weather was warm, so i sat outside at a little table for a couple hours. it was the most wonderful thing i could've done. mostly, i read this book, "passion and purity" that i have picked up here and there over the last year or so. i started from the beginning and read about 12 short chapters, copying my favorite quotes into this little journal i have. in future posts, i'methan, and wrote him another letter. after that, i prayed for a long time. i offered ethan up to God, and then just sat and enjoyed His presence in the afternoon sun. i cannot remember the last time i simply sat and did nothing but it was exactly what i needed.
after starbucks, i stopped at petco to look at the kitties, then dinner and a quick drive up the freeway to the Halloween church service.
as i walked up to the church, i pulled out my phone to call nicolle to see where she wanted to meet. i had no service and just then, a voicemail popped up. i figured it was nicolle, trying to reach me for the same reason. i open my voicemail to hear the words "hey baby, it's me." oh. my. gosh. my stomach dropped to my knees as i tried not to cry, realizing that my 2 minutes of no phone service meant missing the one phone call i wanted more than anything in the world. as i'm listening to his message, i see a strange number pop up on the other line and quickly answer it.
it was ethan :) the very best sound in the entire world and i have been praising God since then that i was there to hear it. only a minute or two later and i would've been in church, missing it.
we talked for 7 minutes and 25 seconds. he told me they gave them all a phone call, and i was the only person he called. he said that boot camp is hard and the first couple weeks he spent regretting his choice to go, thinking that he shouldn't have given up the life that he had. i reassured them that he is where he's supposed to be and i will be here waiting when he gets out. he asked me what's new in my life and while there's so much to tell, i didn't care much to tell him anything because nothing else seemed at all important. we told each other we missed each other and loved each other over and over. it was hard to hang up, but i was floating on air for the rest of the evening.
after that, i was sure my night couldn't get much better, but it only improved. i met nicolle and her mom at the front of free chapel, this church in irvine.
as soon as the service started, i fell in love. the place is extremely diverse and the Holy Spirit's presence is very alive there. the pastor was a man with the cutest southern accent and most genuine spirit. the worship band led in one song which i never wanted to end. i've never seen so many different types of people worshipping the same God and i felt lucky to be a part of it.
after the worship, the pastor came up and introduced the speaker for the night, Bill Wiese. i remember thinking that his name was familiar and as soon as he came up, i realized he was the guy who wrote "23 minutes in hell." i had heard great things about his book and was sooo excited i was there to hear him speak! i guess free chapel is his home church, and while he travels often, he was finally home to share his story with us.
for those of you who have not heard of him before, you must, i repeat, MUST pick up his book, watch his videos on YouTube...something, anything. and if you ever get the chance to hear him speak, you MUST go. it was phenomenal, you guys. probably one of the most thought-provoking, touching, heart-wrenching church services i have ever been a part of.
after the service, i stood outside with nicolle and talked for a long time, getting to know each other and making plans. i finally had to pull myself away and head home in preparation for the week to begin.
even though it may seem simple, it was the perfect couple of days. God stretched me, renewed me, refreshed me. it's crazy how absolutely nothing in your life can change, yet because of Him, EVERYTHING changes. i am thankful, even for the struggles, because those are what help me appreciate every little blessing that much more. such as afternoons spent in the sunshine and a 7 minute and 25 second phone call :)
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