updates are good sometimes :)

there are several unfinished posts in my blogger drafts...posts about life, posts about things God has been teaching me, posts about all the ways my heart has been changing...but they seem to remain just that: unfinished.  the words don't seem to flow how i want them and my thoughts are constantly scrambled, keeping my stories hanging from a cliff's edge.  but, i've decided to accept that that's where they may stay.  and that's more than okay.  some things aren't meant to be said...or shared...or finished--at least for right now. :) but if and when the words come so i can put the period on the end of those hanging sentences in my drafts, i plan to be ready for them.

in the meantime, i decided to keep things simple and know that updates are nice, too. :)

part of the reason my blogging has been lacking is because my internet time has been lacking.  and let me tell you something: it has been glorious.  this past week, i decided to pull out this old book in my closet: simplify your life; 100 ways to slow down and enjoy the things that really matter.  i have been poring over that book like it is my lifesaver.  and in some ways, i think it is.  i have needed the author to tell me it's okay not to answer my door...or my phone...or check my email.  that it's okay to take the time to plant a garden or go for a walk.  for some reason, we sometimes need someone to give us permission to do certain things.  and that's what this book has done for so far: given me permission to focus on the things that speak to my heart the most and to let everything else fall by the wayside.



i also read somewhere else: take the word 'should' out of your vocabulary.  either 'do' or 'don't.'  i liked that.  and i know i needed it.

because i know i should respond to the 50 unread messages in my email and i should blog and i should log on facebook to make sure i'm not missing one teensy-tiny little update in anyone's life...

so i decided, i am going to give this do-or-don't tactic a try.  i haven't wanted to blog, so...i haven't!  i haven't wanted to text, haven't wanted to check my email...so, guess what i didn't do?

in turn, i have found that i have so much time during the day i didn't know i had.  i've been feeling some awesome endorphins from working the treadmill at the gym.  i'm coming close to finishing a scarf i've been working on.  i've been able to sit and make popcorn and watch movies that i've wanted to see for months.  i've been able to take a walk from home to the grocery store to return those movies and rent more.  i even bought a coloring book and crayons (yes, it's true) to work on while i watch my movies.  things have been peaceful and i'm not taking one moment of that peace for granted.

sidenote: to all my lovely friends who have emailed me, i promise i have not forgotten about you and my responses will come in time. :)

~~~

ethan has been gone in training for about 10 days.  he still has 4 more days to go and it's been hard.  my thought is always, psssh, after being apart for 3 months, what's a few days?  enough to break your heart all over again, apparently.  i've gotten a breath of him here and there--like i miss you text messages at 4:30am.  then, when i wake up to my alarm at 6, i get this feeling like i should've been there when it came in.  we will see each other sunday, but those 4 more days might as well be forever.  i am reminded of those eternal 13 weeks he was gone for boot camp, but i know that even that was nothing compared to what's to come.  i have no idea how i'm going to survive deployment.  my respect for milspouses multiplies more and more everyday.  i have no idea how they do it, but then at the same time, i know it's better to have the person you love from far away rather than not have them at all.  no matter how much it breaks your heart.

~~~

with ethan being gone, this past weekend was a bit painful and a lot lonely, but still...nice.  i vacuumed most every room in the house, scrubbed the kitchen and the bathroom, dusted my room, and did about 7 loads of laundry, including washing my sheets and bleaching my comforter.  the house still feels clean even a couple days later and i LOVE that feeling of coming into my spotless room after work and crawling into my crisp, cool sheets in the evening.  nothing beats it.

as briefly mentioned above, i also went for some nice evening walks, worked on my knitting and watched 7 (yes, you heard me, SEVEN) movies: beethoven 1 & 2, the justin bieber movie (you can judge all you want, but i am in LOVE with that kid!), footloose, eat pray love, easy a and salt.  i have to comment on 2 of them, the first being salt.  a lot of twists, which i enjoyed, but i fear i'm becoming way too much of a woman.  i was in constant turmoil at how many people had to die, and by the end of the movie i had a mind-splitting headache that didn't go away until i went to bed that night.  overall though, it was really interesting and i did enjoy it.  i'd probably watch it again if ethan were with me and we watched something cute afterwards.

eat pray love was the one that really got me, though, and i plan on renting it again soon.  not that it was amazing cinema or anything.  it was just...everything i needed in a movie right now.  so many quotes were exactly what i needed to hear and some concepts were ones that i need to face in my own life.  it was kind of like therapy for me and while it was painful at moments, it was ultimately good and i'm anxious to watch it again.

and in between all that, i still had time to do nothing all weekend, which consisted of laying in my backyard while reading simplify your life and attempting to work on my tan.  so far, i'm not doing so well.

~~~

lately, my heart has been walking this fine line between boredom and stress.  i experienced both of those this weekend, both of which were the reasons i stayed inside my house the majority of the time.  boredom because i can't go anywhere...because if i do go anywhere, i'll have to brave the traffic and the crowds and then i won't have fun, i'll just be stressed.  and then i get stressed because of how bored i am, but if i don't want to be bored, then i have to exert energy to go somewhere to be stressed.

i know.  in the words of my brother, kyle: oh my gosh, life is so harrrrd.  people in africa have it easyyyyyy.

seriously, it's not a life or death situation, but ...it kind of feels that way to me.  because i feel like slowly but surely, my soul is being sucked right out of me.  there's so much to see and do down here and i am constantly feel guilty for feeling bored.  because how can anyone be bored in southern california?  and the truth is...because going anywhere is a hassle.  ANYWHERE.  traffic, parking, people, you name it.  you can get to some peaceful places, no doubt.  but you have to wonder, is the process of getting there and getting back going to make the small peace i have in between those two worth it?  the answer is usually, probably not.  the other part of it is, there is no nature down here.  you're right, i said it: none.  sure, we have beaches, but no tide pools to explore, no palm trees to lay under like katy perry sings about.  there are sprawling hills, yes, but they are covered by ginormous houses owned by ginormously rich people.  there are no mountains, creeks, or lakes.  i have found no quiet refuges that call my name.  nowhere within driving distance, anyway.  basically, i don't feel like i have my own space here.  no room to retreat, no room to breathe.

i am ready for something new.

my spirit knows it; it just doesn't know what that "new" entails.  i have considered missionary school in georgia.  living and working at a ministry organization in san francisco for a semester.  and going home to sacramento.

so far, san francisco and sacramento seem to hold the most hope for me.  mostly because, i am longing for something familiar and both of those places hold enough familiarity for me to sink back into.  and i need that right now.

however, i don't want to do something because i want to be comfortable; i want to do something because it's where God wants me.

so i will continue to wait and to pray and i know doors will open and close accordingly.

the other day, my friend, ryan, asked me if all decisions should be accompanied by peace and that made me think.  while i am not sure if that is true for everyone, i feel it has been true of me in my experiences.  if not peace, then knowledge of what is true and right and good--of what is best for me.  i have felt that in almost every area of my life, down to which homeless person should i or should i not have given my money to.

so until i am confident of His prompting one way or the other, i wait.  and waiting, i am convinced, can be so good.  and for however long i must wait, i must know that there is still faith to be grown and patience to be understood.



"...Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out.

At the LORD’s command they encamped, and at the LORD’s command they set out."

{numbers 9:22-23}

~~~

please pray for wisdom for me in these times right now--whether i stay in orange county or leave-- that it will be God's heartbeat that leads and provides me with peace wherever i may rest my head.