as a beacon upon the top of a mountain

This is a journal entry dated the 9^th of this past November.  Less than a week before Ethan’s departure.

I wanted to share it as a way to say thank you.  Thank you to all the blog commenters who have sent me their well-wishes.  To the online friends I have never even met who have sent me emails and left encouraging Facebook comments, letting me know that Ethan and I are in their thoughts.  Thank you to my friends who have picked me up and carried me when you didn’t even know it.  When you send text messages and emails and leave voicemails to let me know that you want to know how I am doing.  That you are ready to hold my tears in the palm of your hand.  Thank you to my family who hugged me while Josh Groban’s military version of “I’ll be home for Christmas” played behind my tears.  Who I know will be there through the thousands of emotions I will endure during these next few painful months.

To all of you: thank you.  God has continued to bring me peace and joy in the midst of what I expected to be the worst 7 months of my life and I have to believe that it is because of you—because of your prayers in my direction.  You have shone light into my darkness and for that, “thank you” is not enough.  But for now, it will have to do. :)

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More often than not, I find myself frustrated with people.  I tire of having to fight and to fight and to fight--against rude drivers and people cutting in front of me at the grocery store and the unexplained dirty looks I get from other women in Target.  I tire of some co-workers who can only find negative things to say and I find myself exhausted simply from reading a newspaper.

The human condition feels like an unredeemable mess sometimes and I wonder how people can live in such a way.

But then there are times such as these.  When I am preparing to say good-bye to the man I’ve spent the last year and a half beside.  While I brace myself for the day of his departure and for the fear of the unforeseeable future looming ahead.

Just a week ago, I wondered how alone I would feel, how discouraged I might become.  But God has not forgotten about me. And neither have my friends.

I know this because the text messages are pouring in…asking me how I am doing.  Letting me know that people are sending thoughts and prayers in our direction. Checking in to see if there is anything they can do, any way they can help while Ethan is gone.  Yesterday, I got invited to two different co-workers Thanksgiving dinners, so I don’t have to be alone, should I decide to spend it here in Orange County.  One co-worker and his wife gave me their phone numbers and told me to call anytime I want to come over.  Numbers of friends have told me to call on the day of Ethan’s departure if I just need someone to listen or cry to.

And I am truly, truly overwhelmed and a bit humbled by these selfless beings.  People who have gone out of their way to let me know that they’re thinking of me.  People who are not concerned about a outsider intruding on their Thanksgiving dinner, but instead, offering up their homes and dinner tables to me, even if for just one evening.



These people, they are a part of the same human race that I find unreedemable at moments.  Yet...they are more than that to me.  They shine a light into my heart and to some, it might seem only a tiny, flickering candle.  But to me...it feels like the brightest beacon at the beginning of an impending storm.