I read on different Marine girl websites that deployment would bring a cycle of emotions. For me, the first two weeks were easier than I thought they would be. I had prepared for the worst and when I still managed to keep breathing after Ethan’s departure, I started thinking that this deployment would be a breeze.
Now, I’m beginning to wonder if that was the “denial” phase of all of this because I have moved past thinking “This is all going to be okay” and onto “I just.want.him.home.” The painful realization of the length of time we are going to be apart is setting in and it’s slowly sucking the life out of me.
The past couple days I feel I’ve been trying desperately to keep hold to my armor and all the while trying to help my armor keep hold to me. It’s getting harder as the days pass. Everything in me wants to let go and break down and cry, but I have to tell myself that crying won’t do anything except make me feel sadder. Crying won’t bring him home.
Despite all that, I have found there are many things to be thankful for in the midst of this season. And those are the things I’m choosing to hold onto desperately:
--We are no longer waiting under the dark, looming cloud of “Deployment is coming.” While the countdown to Ethan coming home may seem much longer than the pre-deployment countdown, we are finally counting down to something good. Hope is on the horizon and it brings both of us much to look forward to.
--I will not have to shave my legs this winter season (not that I won’t, but I can at least let them go past day 3). I can cut my hair however I want and/or dye it the most ridiculous colors without having to worry about if Ethan will like it. I can wear as much or as little make-up as I want and I can paint my nails some God-awful color without having to take it off right away. I can take whatever trips I want without having to coordinate with Ethan’s weekends or time off. I can lie around in my pajamas all weekend and not have to even consider taking a shower or putting on make-up. I can skip the gym in favor of eating a cheeseburger.
--I have come to realize that boot camp + the weeks and weeks of being apart while Ethan was in training have, in the strangest way, been the biggest blessing. I have come to understand and accept the goodbyes and the routines and the time apart. I have heard it said by quite a few military wives/girlfriends that while it never gets easier, you learn to accept it. I never understood what they meant by that until now.
--The one piece of advice I have heard more than any other in regard to deployment is: keep busy. So I made a list of things that I want to accomplish before Ethan comes back. It’s pretty long, so I won’t bore you with all of it, but some of my favorite items are: Take a pottery-throwing class. Go to church as much as possible. Visit the Holocaust Museum in Los Angeles. Spend another handful of days on the east coast and in turn, cross some more places off my bucket list. Go to bartending college. Re-teach myself piano. Get back into a gym routine. Make a budget and save some money. Get my nose pierced.
I figure that all of those things are very do-able and the ones in bold are on my bucket list. I also figure that once Ethan gets back, things like bartending college and pottery throwing are going to be the last things on my mind…so it’s now or never! ;)
--Human beings are resilient. The first morning without Ethan, I stood in the shower, trying to ignore the pain...and those 4 words are the ones that popped into my head. I have to believe it was the Holy Spirit.
Now, it has become a ritual. Each morning in the shower, I shampoo my hair and think that same phrase—meditate on it, even. And it helps me remember the struggles I've already overcome, the possibility of the future, and the goodness of God who holds my hand through all of it.
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