2011 has been nothing less than absolutely shimmering and, hands down, one of the best years of my life.
I needed this year and I needed it badly. The word “thankful” cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have towards God for the blessings He has constantly sprinkled upon me.
It’s funny because at multiple times during this year, I would be on the phone with my mom, holding back tears because I’ve felt that my dreams haven’t been fulfilled on my schedule. She told me that, eventually, I will look back on this season and feel blessed. Turns out, she was right. :) This is that time.
In looking back at the last 365 days, this is what I see:
--The best New Years to date with my brother and two of my best friends.
We spent our first evening, New Years eve, driving down the California coast, and brought in 2011 at the nearby bowling alley, where we talked and laughed until the wee hours of the morning. The next evening sparkled in Hollywood, where we cupped around hands around hot cups of coffee and browsed the tourist traps. My favorite day, though, was the third day—their last day in SoCal. We spent the morning sipping vanilla chais at my favorite little secret place. Then, in the rain, we walked alongside the beach in Venice. The air was cold and misty and something about the whole day seemed peaceful and sprinkled with magic. It was my favorite New Year’s ever and if I could turn back time and re-live all of it, I would.
--Exploring. :)
I got to see and experience San Diego. Six Flags Magic Mountain. Temecula. San Luis Obispo. Disneyland + California Adventure (twice, I might add!) Santa Barbara. Universal Studios. Newport, Laguna, and Huntington beaches. Downtown Los Angeles. Venice + Santa Monica. Knotts Berry Farm. Placerville. Lake Tahoe. Some with family, some with friends, most with Ethan. :)
There were definitely bratty moments during the year when I would find myself thinking that I'm bored and would like an adventure to Africa or Europe or something of the sort. And then God would re-direct my sight to all the pictures of the places I've been--pictures that are plastered across my desk at work or sitting on my windowsill at home or on the background of my computer. 2011 has taken me on so many little adventures and it's all added up to one great, big one. I really am spoiled and am learning not to take any of the opportunities I have for granted.
--Prioritizing.
A couple months ago, my laptop broke. And with that, many realities washed over me, one of them being: my priorities are out of whack. So, I’ve made a point to change them. The biggest one being: less.time.online. I’ve found that even when I’m not online, my thoughts are ON.LINE. I think about emails and blogs I need to catch up on and pictures I need to post and what will be my next status? And that is just sad. So I’ve made it a point to disconnect, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. The internet has been a great source of encouragement in the past year, particularly in the way of inspirational bloggers and true friendships that I’ve made. But saying “no” to technology is completely necessary for a variety of reasons. This has been a struggle for me, but I’ve found only because of these strange feelings of guilt and fear; guilt for not being “available” 24/7 and fear that I’m going to miss out on something. So I’m learning to say no to guilt and fear, and instead, am saying yes to disconnecting. And so far, I have no regrets.
--Learning to “surrender the clock.”
I heard that term used during a powerful sermon while I was home in Sacramento for Thanksgiving—probably one of the best sermons I have ever heard, in fact. This has been a year of letting go for me. To learn that my ways are not His ways. His time is not my time. This has been less of a realization and more of a process. But after that sermon back in November, where the pastor encouraged us to marry the word “confident” in Philippians 6:1 {being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”}, I am learning that the anxiety I have about time running out is futile. He is not anxious. He is not stressed. He is not pacing the floors of heaven with wringing hands wondering if everything is going to work out in time. No, instead, He's more likely seeing everything work out to perfection and probably laughing at me for worrying so much. It's not my job to worry about the clock; it's my job to trust His.
--Not living life for everyone else.
My best friend, Kate, and I were having our usual 3-6 hour phone conversation recently and pouring our hearts before each other. We talked about how sometimes we don’t talk about God or Jesus as much as we feel led because we’re concerned that people might think us stuck-up or “overly spiritual.” We talked about the need to finish college and get a degree ASAP because the world tells us we don't have value until we do so. We talked about how we always have the need to feel connected—whether that be by Facebook or our phones because other people expect us to be there. The truth is that so much of my life is dictated by fear of how people--how the world--will perceive me. My conversations, my dress, even the display of my spiritual life. You know my new happy blog I made? I almost didn’t start it because I wondered if and how people would judge me. And I am realizing now that that's stupid. I am letting the possibility of what I FEAR people might think of me keep me from doing something that makes me really, really happy. Kate asked how we fight against it and I told her that the only way I think to fight it is to stop doing it. You don’t want to get on Facebook? Don’t. You want to forget a degree and start a wedding planning business? Go for it. You think something happened because of Jesus? Tell people about it. You want to make a little happy blog for yourself? Please, please do. We were designed to live out of freedom and not fear. I want to start actively living this way.
--Step-by-step may be the key.
During the same conversation with my best friend above, we talked about the long-term. About how cool it would be to work and live in Europe for a short while. But then what? Or to go to a non-accredited missionary school. But then what? This is always the way we end our conversations when we talked about our dreams. But then what?This is another way in which I believe we have been deceived—that long-term is the only option. Yes, I believe it’s important and smart to plan and make sure you’re not throwing your money and time down an endless black hole. But in these ways, we limit ourselves. If you feel called to do something, do it. Just because one thing makes sense for someone else does not mean that it makes sense for you. No, that doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I am going to jump at every possibility laid at my feet. It just means that I have to stop limiting the possibilities of what God can do in my life. If “but then what?” is the question, I can rest-assured He already has the answer. What I have to learn—want to learn—is how to trust that.
--Little moments.
I have been making my way through the book Cold Tangerines this year and it has been nothing short of my life preserver. The author has taught me more than I could share in one blog, but the biggest thing she has taught me is this: we have been taught to look for that big, Hollywood-worthy moment to define us, to carry us through the rest of life. But what we are missing out on while we look for this big, epic, life-changing moment…is all the little moments that make life one big, epic, life-changing moment. Like the magenta sunset I saw on the way home from work the other day. The sound of Ethan’s laugh. A “good morning” text from my best friend. That first sip of coffee every.single.morning. The sound of my mom’s voice on the phone, calling to ask how I’m doing. The strain of my favorite songs pouring from my stereo as we speak. These are the moments in life we should be looking for, soaking up, breathing in. These are the things that make life worth living.
A couple weeks ago, I went to Disneyland with my mom, little sister, and one of my brothers. As we stood out in the cold one evening, waiting for the fireworks show, magical music came pouring through the speakers, along with a soothing woman’s voice. I don’t remember much of what she was saying...until she said, “The best is yet to come.” And I didn’t swell with joy at her statement. Instead, everything in me breathed, “That is a lie.”Because in that moment, I was standing under the stars and ornament-covered Christmas wreaths decorating Disneyland. In front of Sleeping Beauty’s lit-up castle that breathes of unspoken childhood dreams. And in the middle of all that, fake snow sprinkled on our heads from the little trees wrapped in twinkling lights. As I stood there between 3 of my Favorites Ones and we laughed and smiled and hugged each other in the midst of all of it. And someone thinks they can tell me that the best is yet to come? I don’t think so. The best…was that moment. It glittered of all the magic I have seen in fairy tales.
Life in itself is an epic, grand story, if only we’re willing to see it as such.
--God’s provision.
My cup of blessings has simply overflowed and I am in awe to look back and see all the ways in which I am rich. I am healthy. I have a job. At the end of every day, I have 4 walls that cover me and protect me and give me warmth. There is money in my bank account to buy food. I have a laptop, a television, a cell phone. I have had extra money to splurge on pedicures and massages and clothes.
Even more, I have a family. A healthy family. A family overflowing with life and laughter and love.
I have an amazing boyfriend--one who never ceases to amaze me with his wisdom and manliness. Who always takes care of me. Protects me, holds me when I cry, and kisses my tears away. Who always makes me laugh and never ceases to make me feel like the most cherished girl in the world.
I have friends who love me, who listen to me, who embrace me for who I am, where I am.
I have the freedom to write this blog. To worship the God I want, wherever I want. The freedom to vote, to be a part of movements, to help facilitate change.
Despite how much of America today has insisted on focusing on everything they don’t have, I find it nearly impossible to do so. My life is overflowing with goodness and I can’t help but be thankful for all of it.
***
This is a long, yet very short, version of what has gone on in my heart this past year. Thank you for reading along. For taking the time to participate in my life, to watch my struggles and read about my growth. This year has been gorgeous and I’m thankful for every person and moment that has been a part of it.
As far as 2012 goes, I am ready for my next metamorphosis.
To love deeper. To let go of anger. To forgive more easily. To move beyond the past. To let the future wait. To trust, to be vulnerable, to give. To make it less about me and more about Him.
Happy New Years Eve, everyone.
I wish you all the splendor and inspiration and magic it has to offer.
And even more, I hope 2012 holds marvelous things for you. <3
Thanks for reading along
and I'll see you next year. :)
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