i think a big part of it all was that big pressure to "feel" Christmas. i simply didn't feel it this year and that made me sad. instead, i was reminded that sometimes life just does not go according to plan. my last couple Christmases have been nothing short of amazing and this year happened to be a little off. some of us were sick. others were missing and being missed. some of us didn't see eye-to-eye. "family is messy," my mom said. "life is messy." so true. i guess life doesn't know it's supposed to stop being messy for Christmas. and that's okay. life isn't perfect, but still, STILL, among the mess, there were some AMAZINGLY beautiful moments--all of which i wouldn't have wanted to miss for anything in the world.
***
friends. best friends.
i hadn't seen--or really talked to--my friend, susan, since july. but one early morning, we got to meet at starbucks. where we talked non-stop for four hours. where we laughed and caught up on all the good, bad and ugly of each other's lives. i didn't realize how much i missed her--how much i missed US, our friendship--until i was sitting only inches away from her at that little table. and the missing hit me hard, in the way that i started missing her hours before we had to pick up and leave. before we left, though, we both made promises that it wouldn't be months before we caught up again. and now? it's been days. :) and that makes my heart so very happy.
immediately following that, i spent 7 hours with viktoria, whom i hadn't spent time with in a year and a half. she took me to olive garden for lunch and then, we did what girls do best.:) we braved the biggest mall in town to go shopping, where she bought tights and i bought a sparkly Christmas sweater. we didn't stop talking--or laughing--the whole time.
what i love about viktoria the most? is her heart. and we connect on that level, on a heart level. we see each other and we get each other and we ask each other the hard questions. one of the rarest, truest friendships i've ever had.
then, there was the day after Christmas. with my best friend, kate. it was spontaneous and last-minute. but at 2:30pm, we decided to pick up energy drinks and peach rings and make the hour and half trek up the hill to my favorite place in the world: lake tahoe.
before that, i had been in kind of a funk--living in this weird fog and sadness.
but when we parked and stepped out of the car 80 miles later, i smelled the cold. the pine trees (my favorite sight and smell in the entire world). the mountains were on our right and the lake to our left. kate insisted on taking pictures and i wasn't much in the mood. but after the first picture...
after she made me smile and laugh...it was as if the sun penetrated that dastardly fog. and i felt like myself again. i felt immensely, deeply happy.
so we laughed and shopped and and tried on clothes together. and took pictures + videos of us with our feet on either side of the nevada-california stateline--of us being in two places at once. :)
{pretty sure i've watched this video at least 50 times. it makes me unbelievably happy. :)}
we were pretty pumped about all of it.
{again in two different states :) although, i can't recall which ones}
{to top it all off, it was a GORGEOUS evening. how amazing is that sky? that single star and sliver of moon?
be still my heart.}
and i can honestly say that it was one of the most fun nights
i have.
ever.
had.
my first skype date--the BEST skype date.
i hadn't heard from ethan since the day before Thanksgiving. but at 6:30 on the morning of Christmas Eve, i got it: the call i had been waiting for. ethan's voice over the phone was more than i realized i had needed. our conversation that morning was 24 minutes long and we got cut off by his expiring phone card.
but that night, Christmas Eve, i got another phone call, one that lasted an hour. one that wasn't rushed, but filled with laughter and "i love you's." the last 10 minutes of that phone call included my very first skype date.:) i was scared and nervous to see him, but even in my pj's, with no make-up on, that look of love from the other side of the world was indescribable--the best Christmas gift i could've gotten.
a Christmas eve candlelight service.
Christmas eve services, for me, are a hit-or-miss type of situation. it was probably a handful of years ago where every Christmas eve service was one that left me weeping with bittersweet joy--where i could look around the room and see the face of Jesus in every human being crowded next to one another. the past couple years, though, have been nothing but average for me, and i have gone home feeling somewhat disappointed. not this year, though. this year, it was a little bit different. it started with the worship. no traditional Christmas carols for us, nosirree. instead? songs of worship. of praise. songs that made you want to clap and dance for joy. and i did. oh, boy, i bounced for joy and sang at the top of my lungs and prayed to God that the service would never end. even better was the fact that my little brother was rocking THE HOUSE on his drums. to look over and see him smiling and singing right along with the songs? absolutely heart-warming.
the sermon was nothing i hadn't heard before. and to re-iterate it would take away its depth. but i'll just say that it was so many things i needed to hear. and it surrounded me with that Christmas Eve-like peace. i shared of it with no one, but i breathed it in deep and sent whispers of thanks up to the One who knew how much i needed all of it.
family time.
this year, i could've done without the tree. and the gifts. and the traditions. it could've been just a normal trip up to sacramento for me and i would've been happy. because i got to stand with and worship next to 5 of the people i love the very most in this world. i got to spend hours talking to my mom. i got to have a coffee date with one of my younger brothers, kyle, and i got to spend time with my other brother, brett, watching silly videos on youtube. i got to hug my little sister, amberly, as much as i wanted. and all of us did get to spend Christmas morning opening gifts with my stepdad before he make the trek up to see his sons.
and on Christmas night, there was a celebration at my grandparent's house. where about 20 of us ate together. sang songs. watched a montage of old home videos. played "pass the gift" and laughed our heads off.
i'm definitely not a believer that you have to be close or spend time with your family just because they're your family. in fact, some of the people that i consider to be my family aren't family at all. but i do happen to be lucky in the way that, just as much as they're my family, i also consider some of them to be my very best friends.
grandpa time. <3
my grandpa isn't doing well. this may very well be his very last Christmas in his human body.
but if it is his last Christmas? i can't say that i would change one part about it. mainly because we didn't even think that he would make it until Christmas. but instead of this being a sad, first Christmas without him, it was a Christmas where everything came into perspective. where simple time and little moments were savored more than ever before.
on Christmas night, my mom and i sang a duet of this song. my grandpa sat in his chair, a blanket wrapped around him. my grandma sat behind him and stroked his face while we sang.
and after we were finished and i sat down, my grandpa called my mom over. "Cindy," he said, his voice slurred and weak. she went to his chair and leaned over to look at him.
"this is what family's all about."
to write it is to simplify it. to make it into less than what it truly was. i think all 20 or so of us in that room got the wind knocked out of us in the most beautiful way. tears streamed down my face and i tried not sob. it was one of the BEST moments of my entire life. one i will cherish until the day i die.
and then, there was the night after Christmas. i sat beside my grandpa's chair for two hours while he kept his arm around me and told me stories about when he took my grandma to yellowstone. how he asked God for sunshine for the 12 days they were there and how there were always dark clouds to the left of them and dark clouds to the right of them...but right over them? sunshine. pure sunshine. and how if that's not God answering prayer, then he doesn't know what is.
he told me about growing up--having to work to support himself since he was 11-years-old. about his relationship with his father and how it was far less than perfect.
but the most amazing part was this: when my grandpa told me about the day he accepted Jesus. now, let me just say that most of the time these days, my grandpa has a far-off look in his eyes. they are usually a little bit glassed over and he doesn't look at you much, but more, past you.
not this time, though. as he begin to describe the things he felt the day he became a Christian, he turned and looked AT me--his weak brown eyes lighting up with the joy shining from the depths of him. he told me how he felt peace. love. contentment. rest. freedom.
it was absolutely incredible. mostly because, if you knew my grandpa, he is not perfect. he is sometimes impatient, sometimes harsh, sometimes short-tempered. sometimes he lets a few four-letter words fly and it's not the prettiest thing you will ever see.
but when you see those things, you find it in yourself to look past them. not because he is old or because he is sick. but because you know his heart. that he would give the very shirt off his back for any one of you. and yes, i mean you. he doesn't know you, but if you crossed paths and you needed something, he would do everything in his power to help you. he adores my grandma. he has opened his home for a number of people (myself, included). he has been patient and adoring towards all of his grandkids.
and when i found myself looking into the eyes of that amazing man, i found myself in awe, not only at the amazing things about him, but the less-than-amazing things about him. because he's a walking testimony of grace and sacrifice and second chances on a daily basis.
***
the last day i was there, i had breakfast with my grandpa, all his old breakfast buddies, and my aunt and uncle. just sitting next to my grandpa, being able to pat his hand, to give him kisses on the cheek was divine and precious.
and after breakfast? i got lucky enough to score a sister date/adventure with amberly. :) we drove through another set of hills (my favorite) to go to a little gold rush town, grass valley. we talked non-stop on the drive up there, about deep, life, sister things. and when we got there? we shopped and talked and laughed. we both ended up with some little treasures and i was sad to make the drive back home. a couple hours together and it wasn't enough. i cherish my time with her so deeply, i suppose no amount of time would be. but, i was lucky enough to have it. i'll never take it for granted.
***
life is messy. hard. painful. even when it's supposed to be a joyful time. even when it's Christmas.
but to see such glitter and gold among the mess? to hear an amazing worship song on a less-than-Christmas feeling Christmas eve? to be able to see my love, even though he's thousands of miles away? to hold the hand and hear the testimony of my sick, yet INCREDIBLE grandfather?
there is only One i know who can take a mess and make such beauty. Who bore Life from a virgin's womb and who introduced a King, our Savior, by way of a dirty, stinky stable.
i find it funny, because i didn't write this post with any of these things in mind.
but the more i write, the more i realize how this beautiful mess is what i want my life to look like--what i want my heart to be.
a mess made beautiful and fantastic,
only because of Him.
i am thankful for you, Christmas 2011.
God is so good.
0 comments:
Post a Comment