a quick recap and the start of a new journey

hello, dear friends.

it's been awhile.:)



i haven't been inspired to write much lately.  mostly, i think, because it's been quiet around these parts.  ethan's gone, school's still out, the holidays are over, and life has settled into its own little steady ebb and flow.



most of my evenings after work have consisted of dinner, the gym, a movie + knitting, and early bedtimes. (i may or may not be a grandmother.)  my weekends have been pretty much the same, with the occasional morning or evening out with co-workers.  random little shopping trips.  walks on the beach.  cleaning.  taking myself to the movies.  and all around trying to avoid technology.



in all honesty, though?  it's been amazing.  i feel like all the previous months have been one big jumble of classes and cleaning and weekend trips...and then came deployment and finals and the holidays and i literally praised God when i drove home from my New Years Eve party because finally, FINALLY, i knew it was time for a rest.  a true, good, solid rest.  the past few weeks since 2012 came have been exactly that: a glorious, much-needed rest.



the truth is i'm really an introvert.  i need my time and my space away from everything, from everyone. and when i do take that time?  i find my peace again.  i find i have more to give away.  i've liked discovering that part of myself.



i've also been doing a bit of soul-searching these days.  it's kind of hard not to do when it's just you and  your thoughts alone with God.  but like being alone, i enjoy the searching.  having the chance to discover God and myself just a little bit more.



one of the things i decided to do is to re-read "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldredge.



the first time i read that book was almost 4 years ago, towards the end of an abusive relationship i had not yet been released from.  it changed my world, my life, my heart.  i hadn't felt led to read it again until last week. and when the leading came, it was quiet, yet firm.  i had a brand new copy sent over from Amazon and i opened it up, for the first time in years, this past friday evening.



what i have decided to do is to take the book slow.  to underline the important parts.  to let them soak in, even if they hurt.  to pray over them.  to let them heal me.

i also decided that i'm going to journal my process.  my questions, thoughts, prayers.



i know this isn't a new thing for a lot of people, but it's very new to me.  i'm not really big on the whole "let's read and journal and pray" thing.  maybe because i've never had a good experience with it.  maybe i'm just not good at it.



but in this place, i feel led toward it--excited for it, even.



on friday, i only read the introduction.  and that, in itself, had enough for me to feast on for a day or two.  here are some of the quotes that i underlined:



"...we have missed the treasure that is the heart of a woman, missed the richness that femininity was meant to bring to our lives."



"God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring."



"Jesus has come to win you back for himself--all of you."



"People today are desperate for meaning.  They long to know that it is possible to live a life that matters."



i can go deep places with these quotes.  because i struggle with femininity.  mainly because, as discussed in the book, mine (all of ours) has been continuously assaulted.  but i want that rich, alluring femininity that i know is there. i no longer want to be afraid of what might happen if i just let it go, instead of living in fear of what will happen if i do.



the quote that stood out to me the most, though, the one i wrote down in my journal, was the one about being desperate for meaning.  and so i wrote down, "what do i think gives me meaning?"



it never really occurred to me that this is how humans live.  wanting to live a life that matters.  i wrote down the things that may give me meaning, all with question marks next to them.



traveling?

writing?

telling people about Jesus?

being loved?



i've really thought long and hard about this the past several days.

the truth is that i cannot achieve it, buy it, manufacture it.  and i try so hard, too.  to create it through and within myself.



but the answer is elsewhere.:) i won't write my discoveries because that would be too simple!  but i encourage you to ask yourself the same question.  make a list.  see where it takes you.



for me, i'm trying to enter a state of consciousness because of it.  consciousness of my trying to achieve something, instead of letting it simply be achieved through me BECAUSE of Someone Else.



anyways, this is where i am right now.

i'm sure i'll be posting a lot more about Captivating in the near future.  i already can't wait to share the things i'm going to learn. :)



oh, and if you're a woman and have not picked up the book, i would almost say that you must pick it up, rent it, borrow it from a friend.  it's a life-changer, for sure.



happy monday, everyone.

ciao:)