everything in my life these days seems to have been circling around one central theme:
that God is not complicated.
that His love is enough.
i've lost that along the way somewhere. i often wonder exactly where it was that it happened.
no need to go back and figure it out, though.
it's just time to move forward anew.
***
all this started with a Christmas gift from ethan. a lovely Christmas gift with the most beautiful note that a girl could ever lay eyes upon. the most beautiful words i have ever read.
and instead of relishing in them, i wept over them. i questioned them.
why me?
does he not know me?
does he not see me?
surely he intended these precious gifts for someone more worthy.
and after a long phone conversation with my mom about me discovering my value, she followed up with an email. about how beautiful it will be when i can learn to rest in my value, so that i can fully accept ethan's love.
and even more, to do the same with God.
"isn't it about time you let someone love you just because?"
just. because.
no "to-do" lists smacked on the end of that sentence.
no "when you are prettier/smarter/kinder" or "spend more time at the gym."
just because.
why is this so hard to wrap my mind around?
then, came this video. one that pastors and theologians and the Catholic church are tearing apart line-by-line, but which doesn't stop from giving me freedom every single time i remember:
"when Jesus said, "it is finished," i believe He meant it."
no tasks, no requirements. just pure, unadulterated love.
and that love is truly beautiful--not when i try to add to it--but when i accept it. wrap it around me like a gorgeous fur shawl on a cold winter's evening.
Captivating followed.
where, in the very first chapter, i was reminded of Bethany Dillon's lyrics:
i love to hear You say
that who i am is quite enough.
who i am
is quite.
enough.
i wrote that down on my journal, meditated on it, prayed over it. if only i could learn to accept that. drink it like water, breathe it like air.
quite enough.
just because.
oh, but that's not all.
tonight? i read this blog post. where she talked about God like this:
"... I am needing to figure out a God I’ve prayed to all my life, as if every other prayer hinged upon my knowing Him."
"Perhaps God is the simplicity that waits quietly as the complexity tries to steal our attention and catch our hands for every dance of the night."
God is the simplicity.
isn't He, though?
when i was not-quite 5-years-old, i kneeled over the pink dress-up chest in my closet and asked Jesus to come into my heart. and i feel like, for so long, i had it down. never, for one moment, did i stop wanting to know Him more. the sight of His face. the feel of His presence. but i didn't cut that Love apart. never dissected it into little pieces of theology and politics and to-do's.
i just knew He loved me. and i loved Him back.
that was all i needed to know.
i don't know how i got so far from that place, from a path that was so "one way" and easy to follow. instead, i've fallen down all kinds of alice-in-wonderland rabbit holes along the way. sticking my hands in each nook and cranny all the way down. searching for something, anything that would make me feel like i've gotten to where He wants me to be.
but i've always ended up empty-handed. and in the meantime, my to-do lists have grown. category after category of perfecting treatments. rehabs that i've decided i need to go through.
and God is so funny. more than that, He is undeservingly good to me.
because i make plans and He breaks them. or sometimes, simply steers me another direction before i've realized what's happened. and all of a sudden, i'm sitting in my car, on a night like tonight. watching the clouds swirl together in all sorts of magical colors, with my hands lifted in worship and knowing, there is nothing more i need to do. there is no place i need to go. there is nothing else i need to be than to just be with Him. right here.
theology and politics and to-do lists ain't got nothing on that.
it is finished.
who i am is quite enough.
He loves me.
just because:)
"You lift me up
When I can't see
Your heart's all that I need.
Your love carries me,
So I'm letting go."
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