30-Day Blog Challenge: Day 27

Day 27 – Something you struggle with.

the topic was originally “A problem you have had,” but i changed it to the above.  i like it much better :)

struggle:

to move about strenuously so as to escape from something confining.

to contend, battle, or fight.

the word “struggle” is a strange one, but it’s one of my favorites.  the word struggle tells of someone who is not complacent.  someone who is not willing to stay where they are, but to move forward, to be better.

---

something i really struggle with is comparing myself to other women, which is something every woman does.  but for me, it gets especially bad, even obsessive, when i am dating someone.

just this past thursday, i was sitting at jiffy lube, getting my oil changed and flipping through some magazine.  i came across an ad for “Guess,” which is a brand that i love.  but what struck me about the ad, was not the clothes, but the woman.  she was beautiful.  breath-taking, even.  flawless.

i stared at her for a long time - a captivating face and curves in all the right places.  and as i stared at her, i tried my best not to cry.

“if ethan met her,

he would leave me for her."

my mind got stuck there and that phrase played like a broken record until i forced myself to turn the page and move on.

now mind you, this is nothing that ethan has caused.  when we are apart, i can’t count the number of text messages he sends me, telling me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me.  and when we are together, he holds me like a princess and his eyes in my direction are the perfect picture of a man who is completely in love.  he adores me.

but still,

i am afraid.

i have a paralyzing fear of being cheated on, of being abandoned for someone better.

and i know that is often our fear as women: that we are not enough.

and that fear is big enough to knock the wind out of you and bring you to your knees.

at least, that’s how it feels for me.

all is not hopeless, though.  that’s why it’s called a struggle; there is still a fight to be had :)

as flawed beings, struggles are a daily battle, but one that i don’t think we talk about often enough.  we have a tendency to hide, to cover ourselves in fig leaves, if you will, because between messages from the world and the church, we think we are supposed to have everything together.  but in having “everything together,” i find there is no room for God.

i remember one day, about a month or so ago, i was driving home from the gym.  i had been comparing myself to all the perfect bodies there and i left feeling discouraged and insecure.  i cried to God a little bit and told him that i wish i could  just be the perfect woman.  and in my spirit, i heard a little whisper.

i went into the house, sat on my bed, and pulled up my Bible that's always right by my pillow.

flipping to Proverbs 31, i breathed a sigh of relief:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. " (Proverbs 31:30)





i whispered a thank you back to Him.

"that i can do, Lord."





and it made me smile that He didn't give the answer i wanted,

but He gave me everything i needed.





and if dealing with struggles mean i get to feel God's love and mercy rain down on me...

maybe struggles aren't so bad after all :)